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Band 5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#selfishness #basis #society #people #values #respect #community #world
There is no doubt that
desire
Correct article usage
the desire
show examples
 to possess goods and egoism have become popular in
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world. Some individuals believe that appreciation, strengthening bonds in places where people live, and other positive habits from the past have to be implemented. I partly agree with
this
 statement and will explore my opinion in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, I suggest that returning to the way of living from the past may be impossible because previous people’s habits could not work in contemporary society.
For instance
,
for surviving
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to survive
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 our ancestors had to be together and separated from the group
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 did not have any
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance
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 to find food or to defend
himself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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 from foes. As for supporting mankind, customs, and values for keeping people together were created;
however
, nowadays situation
was
Verb problem
has
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 changed and a mature citizen without support from others may successfully create a career and may have a family.
As a result
, older values could not be cultivated in modern society.
However
, I agree that we have to develop an image of
local
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the local
show examples
 community as an alternative to selfishness because interactions with
neighbors
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neighbours
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in
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on
show examples
 common topics play
significant
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a significant
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 role in governmental management in many countries.
As examples
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Examples
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 of self-governance,
were
Correct your spelling
where
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 individuals pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
community’s
Correct article usage
the community’s
show examples
 goals
such
 as taxes, community services, and districts’ rules could be considered. In other
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
word
Add a comma
word,
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 people do not concentrate on personal benefits but help to solve general problems which distract local dwellers. In conclusion,
although
 older traditional values have
rational
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a rational
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 core that could be realized in
development
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the development
show examples
 of local communities, many typical attitudes to things from the past could not be implemented in
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world.
Submitted by sergeybelov83 on

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task achievement
Make sure to provide more specific and relevant examples to support your points. For instance, instead of talking generally about self-governance, provide a concrete example of a community initiative or a case study.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving coherence by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'on the other hand' to guide the reader and enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
Clarify your main points in the body paragraphs. Sometimes, ideas are presented in a way that can confuse the reader. Aim for each sentence to build on the previous one and clearly support your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
The topic is addressed with a balanced view, showing both sides of the argument. This adds depth to your discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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