IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is no doubt that
desire
Correct article usage
the desire

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 to possess goods and egoism have become popular in
modern
Add an article
the modern

The noun phrase modern world seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 world. Some individuals believe that appreciation, strengthening bonds in places where people live, and other positive habits from the past have to be implemented. I partly agree with
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 statement and will explore my opinion in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 essay.
To begin
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 with, I suggest that returning to the way of living from the past may be impossible because previous people’s habits could not work in contemporary society.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
for surviving
Change preposition
to survive

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 our ancestors had to be together and separated from the group
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals

It seems that individual may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 did not have any
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance

It seems that chances may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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 to find food or to defend
himself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 from foes. As for supporting mankind, customs, and values for keeping people together were created;
however
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, nowadays situation
was
Verb problem
has

There may be a verb use issue here.

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 changed and a mature citizen without support from others may successfully create a career and may have a family.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, older values could not be cultivated in modern society.
However
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, I agree that we have to develop an image of
local
Add an article
the local

The noun phrase local community seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 community as an alternative to selfishness because interactions with
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours

The spelling of neighbors is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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in
Change preposition
on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 common topics play
significant
Add an article
a significant

The noun phrase significant role seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 role in governmental management in many countries.
As examples
Change preposition
Examples

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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 of self-governance,
were
Correct your spelling
where

The word were doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 individuals pay attention
on
Change preposition
to

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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community’s
Correct article usage
the community’s

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 goals
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as taxes, community services, and districts’ rules could be considered. In other
Fix the agreement mistake
words

It seems that word may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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word
Add a comma
word,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase In other word. Consider adding a comma.

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 people do not concentrate on personal benefits but help to solve general problems which distract local dwellers. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 older traditional values have
rational
Add an article
a rational

The noun phrase rational core seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 core that could be realized in
development
Add an article
the development

The noun phrase development seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 of local communities, many typical attitudes to things from the past could not be implemented in
modern
Add an article
the modern

The noun phrase modern world seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 world.

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task achievement
Make sure to provide more specific and relevant examples to support your points. For instance, instead of talking generally about self-governance, provide a concrete example of a community initiative or a case study.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving coherence by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use linking words and phrases such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'on the other hand' to guide the reader and enhance flow.
coherence cohesion
Clarify your main points in the body paragraphs. Sometimes, ideas are presented in a way that can confuse the reader. Aim for each sentence to build on the previous one and clearly support your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
The topic is addressed with a balanced view, showing both sides of the argument. This adds depth to your discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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