IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries the proportion of older people is increasing. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society?

#countries #proportion #people #effects #society
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The elderly population is growing in many countries around the world. There could be a variety of causes for
this
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 phenomenon, which could have both pros and cons outcomes in the community. From my perspective, the disadvantages sides of fact outweigh the positives. A major advantage of
this
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 is adults and children can stay and enjoy themselves with their grandparents and parents, respectively.
Furthermore
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, because the older generation has more experience and valuable assets, they can guide and advise their close family members, keeping them on track and making them understand how to cope with each and every situation they face.
For instance
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, the grandparents play a significant role in a family’s unity and if all the families have an aged person to advise them
then
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 it may help because they have high moral values and experience, they contribute to the
overall
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 development and enhancement of society.
However
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, younger populations are often seen as key drivers of innovation and societal change
due to
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 their openness to new ideas and willingness to take risks.
This
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 mindset is crucial for technological advancements, entrepreneurship, and the development of new industries. Younger individuals often bring fresh perspectives and are more adaptable to rapidly changing environments, which can lead to breakthroughs in various fields, from technology to social reform.
In contrast
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, older individuals
,
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apply
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 might be less inclined to embrace change or take risks.
For instance
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, older generations may be more hesitant to adopt new technologies or invest in emerging industries, which can hinder the growth of sectors that rely on continuous innovation.
As a consequence
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,
while
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 an ageing population offers the benefits of experience, wisdom, and family support, it can
also
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 slow down societal progress.
Therefore
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, despite the valuable contributions of the elderly, the challenges associated with an ageing population may excel the benefits in terms of sustaining long-term societal progress.
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coherence cohesion
Focus on organizing your ideas in a more logical structure to improve coherence. Consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully developed and supported with relevant examples. This may involve expanding on your ideas and providing more specific details and examples where appropriate.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which enhance the overall structure.
task achievement
You have addressed both the positive and negative effects of an increasing proportion of older people in society, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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