IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many people strongly believe that the use of
books
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 in schools should be replaced with modern technologies
such
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 as films, computers and games. From my point of view, these materials are indispensable and they are the best
way
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 to obtain some new knowledge;
however
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, studying by technology devices is
also
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 a good
way
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 for the progress of
students
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 in the present time. It is obvious that studying with the support of modern technologies is an important
way
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 to gain distinctive knowledge. Nowadays, computer
skills
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 and video creation
skills
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 are a must in most industries.
Therefore
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,
students
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 want to get better opportunities in jobs, they must have good technological areas.
Furthermore
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, the best
way
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 to be proficient in computer
skills
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 is to use computers in schools frequently.
In addition
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, technological support
offer
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offers
show examples
 unique advantages in educational settings. To cite an instance, films provide a dynamic platform to present complex ideas and historical events, making them more accessible to teenagers.
Similarly
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, educational games can promote active learning, problem-solving
skills
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, and teamwork
skills
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.
On the other hand
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,
books
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 are a vital learning material for
students
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 and have greater value in education. Almost all paperbacks are written by professionals and researchers who have expertise in the subject that
students
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 are exploring.
Thus
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, teenagers can study more high-quality information which they cannot look up on the Internet because of not confined and trustworthy
informations
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information
pieces of information
show examples
.
Moreover
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, reading
books
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 fosters critical thinking, language proficiency and analytical
skills
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.
For example
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, manuscripts encourage children to develop imagination and set up independent thoughts as
students
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 find it difficult to pay attention to video presentations because sometimes there are technical problems that make them lose interest in learning immediately. In conclusion,
while
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 combining films, computers and games in education enhances motivation and engagement, the lasting value of
books
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 must be greater. By using technologies with traditional methods, admission can be accessible to different learning styles but they should prioritize and preserve
books
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 for learning.

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coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be made more concise for clarity. For example, the phrase 'technological support offer unique advantages in educational settings' could be rephrased as 'technology offers unique advantages in education.'
task achievement
While there are examples provided, you might want to offer more specific evidence or case studies to further support your points. For instance, instead of saying 'educational games can promote active learning, problem-solving skills, and teamwork skills,' give a specific example of a game that achieves this.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and sets up the argument well, making it easy to understand your perspective from the outset.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured, with clear paragraphs that each tackle a specific aspect of the argument.
supported main points
Your main points are well-supported with reasons and examples, making your argument stronger and more convincing.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay provides a balanced view, acknowledging the benefits of both modern technology and traditional books in education.
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