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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries the proportion of older people is increasing. Could this have more positive or negative effects on society?

In many
states
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states,
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 the proportion of senior
citizens
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 is increasing.
Thus
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,
this
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 can lead to many advantageous and disadvantageous sides. In my opinion, having
an
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a
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 significantly increasing older
population
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,
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apply
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 will have negative effects sometime in the future. One serious
problem
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 that can arise from the
population
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 of older people rising, is that the birth rates may fall, as many women nowadays are refusing to get married, and have children,
instead
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 wishing to pursue their careers.
This
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 is a serious
problem
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 in Asian countries,
such
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 as South Korea, as women who were pressured to start a family, are retaliating against the common typecasts.
Hence
Linking Words
 the senior
population
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 is broadening, and women are refusing to reproduce the new generation,
this
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 can have a negative outcome
for
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on
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 the childbirth rates. Another issue that isn’t talked about enough would probably be the shortage of qualified workers in agencies. Since companies are keener on hiring younger people for jobs that require physical attractiveness, and fitness workstyle, the older people are put into retirement stipends.
That is
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 why senior
citizens
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 are having a hard time finding jobs in cities
,
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apply
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 because they just don’t fit the criteria/standards that the companies seem to have nowadays.
For example
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, Japanese cities
such
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 as Osaka and Tokyo hold the highest record of having the oldest growing
population
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, and no one seems to have a
problem
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 with the older
citizens
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 in offices. In conclusion,
although
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 having an older
population
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 can be tiring to have in workplaces,
but
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apply
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firing them shouldn’t be just the solution to
this
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problem
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. We should take
example
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the example
an example
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 of Eastern Asian countries and treat our senior
citizens
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 with love and care.

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introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and gives an opinion, but it would benefit from being more engaging or insightful. Try to craft a more compelling introductory sentence.
supported main points
Ensure that the points you introduce in the essay are supported with more specific examples and detailed explanations. This will strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
supported main points
Be careful with the repetition of ideas. Avoid stating the same point more than once in different words. This will help in making the essay more concise and impactful.
logical structure
The essay could be improved by linking ideas more smoothly. Use transitional phrases to show connections between ideas or paragraphs. This helps in maintaining the logical flow and cohesion of the essay.
logical structure
Proofread your essay for minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, as these can detract from the overall quality. Ensure you are using vocabulary accurately and appropriately.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and offers a final thought on the topic. It displays a consideration toward a balanced viewpoint.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay presents a clear opinion and attempts to support it with relevant points and examples, showing an understanding of the topic being discussed.
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