IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #cultures #ages
Many
people
 believe that
music
 is a positive form of entertainment to
make
Verb problem
brings
show examples
people
 around the world with different backgrounds
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
together. I strongly agree with
this
 statement and
this
 essay will provide some explanations.
Firstly
,
music
 is an art that can be enjoyed by
people
 in every nation with different cultures
although
 the language is different.
People
 can listen to the rhythms and still enjoy the
music
 without understanding the lyrics.
Moreover
, the other reason
people
 like
music
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 based on the singer as an individual or
also
 a group that
attract
Correct subject-verb agreement
attracts
show examples
people
 with their appearance and performance.
For instance
, in recent years many
people
 from around the world hooked by K-Pop
such
 as Blackpink or BTS from South Korea and
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
ticket
Fix the agreement mistake
tickets
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their world tour concerts sold out very quickly in every country.
Secondly
,
people
 of different ages can
also
 have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same taste
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
music
 based on the melodies or the feeling when listening to
a
Remove the article
music
a piece of music
show examples
music
. To exemplify, there are so many albums
contain of
Wrong verb form
containing
show examples
 old love songs that still exist from the older generations even the singer held a concert in
this
 current time and
people
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all ages come to the concert.
Besides
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
also
music
 that can be enjoyed by parents and their children that
connect
Correct subject-verb agreement
connects
show examples
 them. It can make the bonding between the family stronger. In summary,
music
 has
important
Add an article
an important
show examples
 role in
people
’s lives and
connect
Correct subject-verb agreement
connects
show examples
people
 with different backgrounds. It can
also
 create a solidarity of
people
 during a concert and enjoy the
music
 together without being discriminated
to
Change preposition
against by
show examples
 each other.
Submitted by hafizahnazir on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-organized, but the logical structure can be improved. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is fully developed with supporting details.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and relevant, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences and better transitions between ideas.
task achievement
Though you have provided specific examples, aim to develop your ideas more comprehensively by discussing the implications of these examples. This will demonstrate deeper analysis and understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, focus on sentence structure and variety. Avoid repetitive structures and make sure that each sentence logically follows the previous one.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the task by discussing how music can connect people from different cultures and ages.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the mention of K-Pop groups like Blackpink and BTS, are specific and relevant.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a concise conclusion, which help frame your essay well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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