Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Many
people
believe that music
is a positive form of entertainment to make
Verb problem
brings
people
around the world with different backgrounds become
together. I strongly agree with Verb problem
apply
this
statement and this
essay will provide some explanations.
Firstly
, music
is an art that can be enjoyed by people
in every nation with different cultures although
the language is different. People
can listen to the rhythms and still enjoy the music
without understanding the lyrics. Moreover
, the other reason people
like music
are
based on the singer as an individual or Correct subject-verb agreement
is
also
a group that attract
Correct subject-verb agreement
attracts
people
with their appearance and performance. For instance
, in recent years many people
from around the world hooked by K-Pop such
as Blackpink or BTS from South Korea and make
Verb problem
apply
ticket
Fix the agreement mistake
tickets
of
their world tour concerts sold out very quickly in every country.
Change preposition
for
Secondly
, people
of different ages can also
have a
same taste Correct article usage
the
about
Change preposition
of
music
based on the melodies or the feeling when listening to a
Remove the article
music
a piece of music
music
. To exemplify, there are so many albums contain of
old love songs that still exist from the older generations even the singer held a concert in Wrong verb form
containing
this
current time and people
with
all ages come to the concert. Change preposition
of
Besides
, there are
Change the verb form
is
also
music
that can be enjoyed by parents and their children that connect
them. It can make the bonding between the family stronger.
In summary, Correct subject-verb agreement
connects
music
has important
role in Add an article
an important
people
’s lives and connect
Correct subject-verb agreement
connects
people
with different backgrounds. It can also
create a solidarity of people
during a concert and enjoy the music
together without being discriminated to
each other.Change preposition
against by
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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-organized, but the logical structure can be improved. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is fully developed with supporting details.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present and relevant, your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences and better transitions between ideas.
task achievement
Though you have provided specific examples, aim to develop your ideas more comprehensively by discussing the implications of these examples. This will demonstrate deeper analysis and understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
To improve clarity, focus on sentence structure and variety. Avoid repetitive structures and make sure that each sentence logically follows the previous one.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the task by discussing how music can connect people from different cultures and ages.
task achievement
Your examples, such as the mention of K-Pop groups like Blackpink and BTS, are specific and relevant.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a concise conclusion, which help frame your essay well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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