IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The gap between the rich and the poor has been enlarged in recent years. What are the causes and solutions for this problem?

#gap #years
We really can't deny the harsh reality that
people
 of different societal
status
Fix the agreement mistake
statuses
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 an
enlarge
Replace the word
enlarged
show examples
gap
 with each other. As a person from a specific
group
Add a comma
group,
show examples
 we really tend to just hang and be surrounded by
people
 we can call our own to avoid conflicts and disagreements, which
then
 results in
people
 divide.  One cause of
these
Change the determiner
this gap
these gaps
show examples
gap
 is social stratification,
this
 has always been a big factor
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
gap
 between rich and poor
people
,
for example
, in an establishment like a coffee shop or
malls
Fix the agreement mistake
mall
show examples
, servers and/or crews often provide the utmost care and assistance to those they see and identify as rich rather than those raggedy
people
 they associate to as poor. Rich
people
often
Add a missing verb
are often
show examples
 offered a lot of advantages
than
Change preposition
over
show examples
 those who are poor, may it be in
education
, or even in job
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 like
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
enrollments
Fix the agreement mistake
enrollment
show examples
, Universities require a downpayment which normally poor
people
 cannot afford same goes
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 Hospital admissions. For
me
Add a comma
me,
show examples
 the biggest factor of
these
Change the determiner
this gap
these gaps
show examples
gap
 is those greedy
people
 who
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that they are more important than others,
people
 who
uses
Change the verb form
use
show examples
 power to get what they want,
people
Correct word choice
and people
show examples
 who see themselves as
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
superior
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
 others just because they are from a wealthy family or a known background. Sad to say even in seeking justice, wealthy
people
 can get away with everything because of their money, and poor
people
suffers
Change the verb form
suffer
show examples
 from injustice. These are just
few
Change the article
a few
show examples
 of examples why there will always
a
Add a missing verb
be a
show examples
gap
 between the rich and the poor.   Solutions for
this
 problem
starts
Correct subject-verb agreement
start
show examples
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
education
, having equal access to
education
 enables a person to have
brighter
Correct article usage
a brighter
show examples
 future, being able to acquire and be hired
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a decent job with good pay and incentives. The Government should really think of platforms and programs that
focuses
Change the verb form
focus
show examples
 on the rights of every individual to have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
equall
Correct your spelling
equal
 access to scholarships and
education
 that
enables
Correct subject-verb agreement
enable
show examples
 every child to be who they aspire to be. Another solution
as well
Rephrase
also
show examples
 starts within ourselves, discipline and perseverance plays a vital role in achieving what we desire to be, even if the government provide everything we need if we cannot help ourselves
then
 all is for nothing.
Submitted by decxelnarjoyragas on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Your essay addresses the topic but lacks a clear and cohesive structure. Introduction and conclusion need to be more explicitly defined.
coherence
Present a clear thesis statement in your introduction that outlines your main arguments.
coherence
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and there's a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay.
task response
Avoid generalizations and try to provide more concrete examples to support your points. For instance, provide specific instances of social stratification affecting individuals.
task response
You need to delve deeper into the causes and solutions side of the argument for a more comprehensive response.
general
Try to use more formal language and vocabulary, as well as vary your sentence structure to enhance readability.
general
Your essay clearly presents the issue of the gap between rich and poor, and you do touch on relevant causes and solutions.
task response
You bring up real-world examples, such as disparities in educational and job opportunities, which adds depth to your argument.
general
Your writing shows empathy and passion, which makes your perspective engaging.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: