IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some say that advertising is extremely successful at persuading us to buy things. Other people think that advertising is so common that we no longer pay attention to it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is often believed that advertisement is incredibly effective in promoting purchase among consumers
while
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 there is some suspicion that it loses its impact
due to
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 its prevalence in daily life. I partially agree with the former view because of the growing impact of advanced technology regardless of the fact that many
people
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 feel annoyed by its sudden interruption. On one hand, consumers gain an immense effect from advertisements whose technology is so advanced to meet their diverse needs.
In other words
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, it is often programmed to recommend various items and services automatically, relying on their search record in the past.
For instance
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, Amazon, the online retailer, illustrates a number of similar products with the same brand as those I bought before.
Thus
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, those online advertisements are made so selective to the individual interest and taste and
people
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 cannot help but take a look at them.
Consequently
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, sales tend to rise in a dramatic way since they can immediately find the exact merchandise that they are looking for thanks to the modern marketing strategy.
On the other hand
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, there is a negative effect that the advertisement has on consumers with its growing prevalence. Indeed, they tend to feel more stressed as they are hampered by the sudden appearance of propaganda on the screen when they want to concentrate on their work and study.
Furthermore
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, it often happens that
people
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 click it by mistake, who are taken to other unrelated websites without their will and end up wasting their time.
As a result
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, excessive pop-ups to promote certain products tend to be considered less important and
this
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 is the reason why many
people
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 even download the software to block them. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that advertising is successful in drawing the attention of the public, for its sophisticated program to suggest a certain item which matches their demands, referring to the previous record of their search.
However
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, there is a tendency for its declining impact as the repetitive appearance on the screen can disturb
people
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 from focusing on their work and study.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are a bit more seamless. For example, introducing connecting phrases such as 'Moreover,' or 'In addition' can help link ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Avoid minor grammatical and punctuation errors to enhance overall readability. For instance, ensure that there are spaces after commas and periods and use appropriate conjunctions to avoid run-on sentences.
task achievement
Ensure that your arguments are balanced. Sometimes, the essay leans more towards one viewpoint without sufficiently addressing the other. Strive for equal depth of analysis for both views discussed.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, providing more specific data or studies could add credibility to your arguments. Including expert opinions could also strengthen your points further.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses both views related to the impact of advertising, offering a well-rounded perspective on the topic.
task achievement
The argumentation is clear and comprehensible, making it easy for the reader to follow your line of thought.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is sound, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion in place.
coherence cohesion
Relevant and specific examples are provided to support your main points, adding depth to the discussion.
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