IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Over consuming sugar is unhealthy .Some people think that the government should take responsibility to control it.Others think that individuals should take responsibility for their sugar intake.Discuss both views and give your opinion .Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#sugar #people #government #responsibility #control #individuals #intake
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It is important to keep our healthy, on the other side some researchers have proven that consuming
sugar
 in higher portions rather than what our body needs is unhealthy.
While
 some believe that
this
 issue should be taken by the
government
 to control by regulation, I would agree with those who argue that
this
sugar
consumption
 limitation must be handled by individuals. Considering
firstly
 on the negatives if the responsibility has been taken by the
government
. Once there is a rule that limits the
sugar
 intake of any citizens that live around the country's area, it will be not effective in controlling
this
 issue.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
sugar
 has been widely used not only in beverages but
also
 as
ingredient
Add an article
an ingredient
show examples
 of cook.
For instance
, in every home, particularly in Indonesia mostly all mothers cook any cuisines with
sugar
,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 rendang and gulai,
then
 if the
sugar
consumption
 is limited, it will impact to those who usually use the
sugar
 as a recipe. The argument goes that if
people
 are in
charged
Replace the word
charge
show examples
to control
Change preposition
of controlling
show examples
this
sugar
 intake,
then
 it will not be obeyed comprehensively.
However
, I believe allowing
people
 to choose how much
sugar
hey
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 need with the healthy campaign by the community about good physical condition is the only way to acquire awareness. The reason for
this
 is that
people
 cannot be forced by any regulations,
instead
, it should be from their own sense to make any rule effective.
For example
, the rule to use a helmet
while
 riding a motorbike will be obeyed by
people
 if they know the consequences when an accident happens.
As a result
,
people
's awareness will increase about the danger of
sugar
consumption
 in overdose and even they will spread
this
 information to their families.
Conversely
, if the
government
's law of
sugar
 utilization is enforced in society,
then
people
 will not satisfied with the
government
. In conclusion,
although
 it is of critical importance to keep healthy by limiting
sugar
consumption
 that can be regulated by the
government
, I feel that it should be
people
's consciousness to do so on the basis that
this
 will give them the motivation to fit their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on using more varied linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help your essay flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear and focused main idea. In some places, the essay slightly strays, which can confuse readers. Keep your paragraphs tightly connected to your main argument.
task achievement
Support your main points with more precise and specific examples. While you have provided some examples, adding more detail will strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
Work on clearly stating and expanding on your ideas. Some parts of the essay are a bit vague or generalized, so aim to express an idea fully before moving on to the next one.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a very clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames your argument and provides a sense of closure.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which is crucial for a balanced discussion. This demonstrates a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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