IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Public health is becoming an urgent issue nowadays. Some argue that government should create nutrition and food choice laws to improve public health, while others believe that it is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is unfortunate that in the midst of vast progress in
very
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every
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 field in every field of life, there is a growth of
health
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 issues. Many
people
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 believe that laws can improve public
health
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 by influencing
people
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's choices of
food
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, I partially agree with
this
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 point of view,
moreover
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, I personally reckon that individuals should
also
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 make wise decisions and take
the
Correct article usage
apply
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responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
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of
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for
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 their own
health
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 and well-being. In the first place, governments should pass
regislations
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legislation
legislations
 to restrict the supplies of
food
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 which may undermine
people
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's
health
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.
For example
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, both cigarettes and alcohol
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should
shoud
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should
 be banned to a certain age limit,
menwhile
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while
, taxes
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on
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of
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on
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such
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 goods should be increased
Correct word choice
apply
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so that
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apply
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to discourage
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their
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the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 consumption.
According to
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 a recent survey, four million
people
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 die each year from diseases linked to smoking,
in addition
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, the age of
people
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 who suffer from obesity, diabetes and heart attack is getting
yonger
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younger
 and younger. Under today's rapid globalization and
food
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 industry monopoly, it is imperative for governments to take the initiative to make
Add an article
a favorable
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favorable
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favourable
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 influence
on
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apply
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people
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's choice of
food
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.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 may argue that it's a basic right to choose what they eat, which is undeniable,
therefore
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, laws should not limit the diversity of foods and nutrition that
people
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 can acquire.
However
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,
this
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 is exactly why it is more important that each individual should be responsible for their own
health
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. To cite a few examples,
temptation
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the temptation
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 of delicious taste causes irrational
choice
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choices
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of
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in
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people
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's everyday diets; busy city life
drive
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drives
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people
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 to eat easier but unhealthier fast
food
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; modern lifestyle
made
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makes
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people
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indulged
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indulge
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 in excessive alcohol and irregular meals. Any individual, who is blind to
this
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 point, may pay a heavy price. From what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that,
although
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 laws and legislations indeed
make
Verb problem
have
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 certain positive
effect
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effects
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 on
people
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's decisions to keep a healthy diet, individuals should
also
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 make efforts to protect their own body
health
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.

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task achievement
Your response addresses the prompt and presents arguments for both views. However, some ideas could be further elaborated or clarified. Try to provide more specific examples to support your points and ensure all aspects of the prompt are fully covered.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear structure to your essay, but transitions between ideas can be more refined. Using cohesive devices and ensuring sentences flow better from one to the next will enhance the logical progression of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the key points, but it can be strengthened by clearly reiterating your stance and tying it back to the discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in organizing your thoughts and presenting your arguments effectively.
task achievement
You have addressed the topic and given a balanced view on both sides of the argument. This comprehensiveness is commendable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • nutritional laws
  • food choice
  • personal responsibility
  • government intervention
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • freedom of choice
  • over-reliance
  • nanny state
  • healthy lifestyle
  • infringing on personal freedoms
  • balanced approach
  • empower individuals
  • subsidies
  • public health campaigns
  • nutritious meals
  • regulation
  • accountability
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