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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children these days face difficulties to concentrate or pay attention at school. What are the causes of this situation? What could be the possible solutions?

#children #face #difficulties #attention #school #situation
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A lack of concentration has been highlighted over the past decades. From
this
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 aspect, questions that a majority of
children
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 these days face challenges to
concentrate
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concentrating
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 or
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
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attention
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 at
school
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 arise.
This
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 essay will illustrate what the
causes
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 of
this
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 situation are and what the possible solutions could be. Two primary
causes
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 associated with
children
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's difficulties in concentration or paying
attention
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 at
school
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 are suggested. Irrefutably, the high dependence on digital
devices
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 is one of the
causes
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.
This
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 is because, unlike
the
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in the
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 past,
children
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 have easy access to smartphones and are exposed to exciting content,
such
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 as animations, games, and movies.
This
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 obviously leads them to be addicted to media content and
this
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 in turn results in a negative mental issue like anxiety. What is more, a lack of sleep is the other cause. In actual fact,
children
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 studies undertaken by experts have revealed that plenty of
children
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 spend
an
Correct article usage
a
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 amount of time doing homework at night and are less likely to take a nap sufficiently
due to
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 tight schedules, so they
would
Verb problem
apply
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struggle with a sleepy state and low
attention
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 at
school
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. Fortunately, countermeasures to mitigate the
causes
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 mentioned above are found. At
first,
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education as to the detrimental effects of the high dependence on digital
devices
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 should be carried out for
children
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 and parents. In doing so, the utilisation of
devices
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 would be reduced, and
children
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 and parents would find alternative activities for enjoyment and play.
Moreover
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, schools should reduce a number of amount homework and implement compulsory nap time.
This
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,
therefore
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, results in high concentration on studies, paying
attention
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 to classes, and rising
overall
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 physical and mental condition. To recapitulate, the
causes
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 of a majority of
children
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 nowadays
face
Wrong verb form
facing
show examples
 challenges to concentrate or pay
attention
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 at
school
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 are the high dependence on digital
devices
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 and a lack of sleep.
However
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, education
as well as
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school
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 intervention are suggested as
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
.
Submitted by subin12260 on

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task achievement
The essay could benefit from more specific examples to better illustrate the points made about children's high dependence on digital devices and lack of sleep.
task achievement
Try to ensure that all sentences are fully clear and comprehensible, avoiding over-complex structures that might confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
Include more linking phrases and conjunctions to further enhance the flow between points and paragraphs. This can improve the essay's overall cohesiveness.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and what the essay will discuss, providing a solid start.
introduction conclusion present
The essay concludes by summarizing the main points and reiterating the solutions, which ties the discussion together nicely.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is clear, with distinct paragraphs that each address a specific issue or solution related to the topic.
supported main points
The main points made are relevant to the question and supported with some examples and explanations.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • technological distractions
  • overloaded curriculum
  • nutritional deficiencies
  • sleep deprivation
  • learning disorders
  • stress and anxiety
  • implementation
  • reform
  • promote
  • policy
  • adequate
  • specialized support
  • resources
  • mindfulness
  • meditation
  • time management
  • screen time
  • cognitive function
  • attention span
  • memory retention
  • consistent sleep schedule
  • extracurricular activities
  • academic expectations
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