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Band 5.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #school #programmes #charity #neighborhood #sports #children
Doing voluntary
community
service
 can be a crucial way to contribute to society and some people recommend that it can be included in the secondary
school
 compulsory education. To a large extent, I agree with
this
 suggestion. In the following, the advantages and disadvantages of doing unpaid
community
service
 will
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
be discussed.
To begin
 with, doing unpaid
community
service
 can broaden the student’s horizons.
Students
 who
at
Add a missing verb
are at
show examples
 a young age
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the high
school
 level usually have little social
exposures
Fix the agreement mistake
exposure
show examples
 and lack the opportunity to get in touch with different groups of people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. By working for a charitable organization
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
improving the neighborhood or teaching kids about sports, they are allowed to get
along with
 people from various backgrounds and
thus
 be able to have a deeper understanding of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society at an easier age.
Moreover
, unpaid
community
service
 can cultivate the kind and helpful personalities of teenagers.
Community
 services
are usually help
Change the verb form
usually help
show examples
 vulnerable groups in the
community
such
 as grassroots, stray animals, and the elderly. Through volunteering,
students
 at high
school
 levels can gain a sense of achievement by realizing their help can make a difference and improve the lives of others.
Consequently
,
this
 favours the teenagers in developing their kindness and helpfulness when they are young which can be beneficial to their mental development.
On the other hand
, volunteering may increase the workload of high
school
students
. Secondary
school
students
 especially at the senior level may already have a packed schedule with many lessons and homework in their daily routine. The unpaid
community
service
 may lead to a burden of the busy
school
 life or even they may need to sacrifice their holidays and weekends for these extracurricular activities, which may lead to an extra burden for
students
. To summarize, volunteering tends to bring more pros than cons to student development,
however
, the workload contribution may
also
 need to be carefully considered in order to let
students
 learn in both an enjoyable and fruitful way.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
The essay does a good job of addressing the task prompt, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of compulsory community service in high schools. However, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the disadvantages, offering additional specific examples or scenarios for a more comprehensive analysis.
coherence cohesion
The essay exhibits a logical flow and clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, to enhance coherence, consider using more varied and smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each main point is elaborated with specific details and examples. For instance, discuss particular types of charitable work or how it concretely impacts student development and community well-being to make the main points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion aptly summarizes the main points.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides a thorough response through appropriate arguments and examples.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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