The number of outweigh children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast-food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children’s health. To what extent do you agree with these views?
The concern about the rising proportion of overweight young kids’ population has never been more imminent in many rich nations.
While
it is plausible to blame processed foods and their sellers, parents’ negligence should also
be reckoned as another major factor in the issue.
On one hand, fast food
is remarkably attractive for its delicately manufactured flavours, cheapness, and convenience, which pose as an irresistible lure for many, younger ones in particular
. Yet these ultra-processed products are highly unhealthy and can cause multiple harmful effects on individuals if consumed frequently; diabetes and obesity are among the most common diseases that overconsumption can incur. The exponential increase of giant food
retailers, such
as McDonald’s, Subway, and Burger King, has only compounded the existing problem, rendering children more vulnerable to the “junk food
” attack. A study found that seven in ten American adolescents got their daily calories from those food
outlets in the year 2020. Thus
, it could be said that, if potato chips, canned sardines, or hot dogs had been less accessible and prevalent, the total consumption would have been much lower, as would the obesity rate among children.
On the other hand
, parents should give injunctions about the insalubrious effects of eating unwisely to their easily influenced sons and daughters. However
, reality has proven otherwise
, as more than 90% of adults in the US take in junk food
every day, which could somehow invalidate their well-intended instructions. To further
demonstrate the point, another study conducted in the UK discovered that of all teenage students who have a higher fast-food
intake, the majority lack enough parental care or education.
In summary, it is possible to conclude
that there are two major reasons for the surge in the percentage of outweighed children in developed countries: the ever-more-omnipresent ultra-processed food
retailers and the inattentiveness of their parents.Submitted by yanjinru0827 on
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task achievement
While your essay thoroughly addresses different aspects of the topic, it is beneficial to provide even more specific examples and data. This could fortify your argument and make it less abstract.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows well from one point to another. However, avoid repeating similarly structured information. Try to introduce more variety in your sentence structures and transitions.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion on both perspectives and effectively supported your arguments with solid reasoning.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction and a concluding summary that effectively encapsulates the main points.
task achievement
The examples you've chosen, especially related to studies and statistics, enhance the credibility of your arguments.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.