IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Write a 4-paragraph essay of about 200-250 words on the following topic: Many young people spend a lot of time on the Internet without any parental supervision or control. What are some of the problems caused by unrestricted use of the Internet and what can be done to curb these

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Young generations spend too much time on social media is a hotly debated topic that divides different opinions. Especially when their parents cannot control or take supervision, it causes many persistent problems. The below passage will clear
this
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 problem and give some solutions.
On the other hand
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, it is easy to know that social
platforms
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 draw the attention of the younger too much because they contain much information. Thereby, youngsters can be wasting time on that
instead
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 of taking part in other activities.
Furthermore
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, more than 60% of young people rely on social networking
platforms
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 on their phones
instead
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 of participating in school clubs during recess.
in addition
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, if the parents don't pay attention to their children strictly, the offspring are more likely to tend to not control the time of using the Internet. Especially, the usage of too much causes many drawbacks.
first,
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they can be addicted to the internet if they use that platform too much.
second,
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they get disconnected from the real world leading to loss of personal information.
Finally
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, their health will be affected if still maintain the bad habits On the one hand, we have to take balance between using social
platforms
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 and participating in other activities to improve our lives.
Firstly
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, we can raise the awareness of young generations in order to interpret that using social media too much can cause many disadvantages like cyberbullying or health-related problems.
Secondly
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, parents should pay more attention to their children so that their offspring can share their stories
instead
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 of using the virtual platform to find
the
Correct article usage
apply
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enjoyment. In conclusion, there are many problems that can
cause
Wrong verb form
be caused
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 like internal reasons or external reasons. So the solutions
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also taken
Add the auxiliary verb
are also taken
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 in order to help the young generation use Internet
platforms
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 effectively and judiciously.

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introduction conclusion present
The essay introduces the topic and provides some relevant problems and solutions. However, the introduction and conclusion could be more clearly defined. Strengthening the conclusion by summarizing the main points more effectively would help improve the overall structure.
relevant specific examples
The essay mentions some problems such as addiction and disconnection from the real world. However, providing more specific examples or statistics could enhance the argument. Try to incorporate data or real-life examples to make your points more convincing.
clear comprehensive ideas
There is an attempt to provide solutions, but they are somewhat vague. Be more specific and practical in your suggestions. For instance, instead of just saying 'raise awareness,' you could mention educational programs or campaigns specifically designed to address this issue.
complete response
The essay addresses both problems and solutions, showing a balanced approach to the topic.
logical structure
The main points are organized into different paragraphs, making it relatively easy to follow the flow of information.
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