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Band 6.5

Art classes, such as painting and drawing, are important to a child’s development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in high schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#art #classes #child’s #development #subjects #schools
Learning
art
 is considered necessary
due to
 the fact that it plays a pivotal role in children’s growth during their high school years.
This
 writer agrees with the statement that
art
 contributes to developing their mind. Some people may believe that spending time in
art
 classes is a waste of time.
This
 is because of a previously stereotyped belief that
art
 is not helpful to children’s academic knowledge and career path, as it would only contain skills to draw invaluable paintings and colour mixing.
Moreover
, it could
also
 depend on the child’s family’s traditional career choice which is thoroughly inherited by each generation, especially in Asian countries. To cite an example, in Vietnam, an extended family with the culture to become a doctor would frequently force their children to follow their paths
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and require them to utilize their time to study science rather than investing it in meaningless
art
 courses.
Therefore
, to many individuals, learning
art
 would be a time-wasting and useless activity.
However
,
art
 may contribute to developing a child’s mind in a significant way. By sketching and painting various objects, children would be provided with a strong memory, creativity, and
also
 imagination.
In other words
, it would not only help increase the efficiency and productivity of the young generation who lead to work in the
art
 field, specifically graphic designers or film producers, and other aspects
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 broaden their knowledge and ways of perceiving
this
 ever-changing world.
Furthermore
, with a balancing schedule between
art
 and different subjects, children would acquire equally theoretical and practical skills on various sides,
as well as
 a
fully-developed
Correct your spelling
fully developed
show examples
 brain.
Thus
, it is easy to understand why
art
 is believed as compulsory.
Although
 some consider that
art
 should not be treated as other subjects, I contend that it is prohibitively crucial in children’s development and skills.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but make sure to refine your thesis statement to make your position unambiguous and strong. Consider rephrasing so it explicitly states your agreement or partial agreement more clearly.
coherence cohesion
There are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings. For instance, in your second paragraph, change 'traditional career choice which is thoroughly inherited by each generation' to 'traditional career paths that are often inherited across generations.' The sentence '...who lead to work in the art field' should be corrected to 'who aspire to work in the art field.'
task achievement
Ensure that all arguments you present directly support the main thesis. For instance, your discussion on cultural expectations might be better integrated to emphasize the contrast with the value of art education.
task achievement
You've provided a balanced discussion, presenting both sides of the argument which is excellent for task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your structure is logical and easy to follow, with clear topic sentences and distinct paragraphs.
task achievement
Good use of specific examples, like the one cited about Vietnam, which helps illustrate your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Emotional expression
  • Mental health
  • Cultural awareness
  • Diversity and inclusion
  • Fine motor skills
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Academic performance
  • Artistic engagement
  • Career opportunities
  • Creative fields
  • Graphic design
  • Architecture
  • Game development
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