IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Art classes, such as painting and drawing, are important to a child’s development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in high schools. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

#art #classes #child’s #development #subjects #schools
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
2 Because of having
profound
Add an article
a profound
show examples
 impact on children’s growth, whether
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
classes
 ought to be compulsory for high
schools’
Change noun form
schools
show examples
students
 or not is a controversial problem.
Although
 it affects seriously
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a child’s development,
this
 writer disagrees with
this
 idea
due to
 wasting
time
 and
difficult
Correct article usage
a difficult
show examples
 future career. It is acknowledged that learning
arts
 in high school is
time
-consuming. As
students
 in high
schools
 have various tasks and homework to do, adding a subject might put more pressure on them.
Furthermore
, studying in
senior
Correct article usage
a senior
show examples
 institution relates to future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
teenagers need more
time
 and concentration on their main subjects
instead
 of painting or drawing. Taking Vietnam as an example, most high
schools
 focus on fundamental skills,
such
 as literacy and numeracy, but do not have
time
 for
arts
.
Therefore
, art
classes
 take
students
’
time
 which they can use for other valuable activities.
However
, some supporters argue that
arts
 help the young to be more creative,
in other words
, they can develop their creativity and ordinary.
Additionally
,
students
 are able to express their feelings and reduce negative emotions.
Although
this
 opinion has its own right,
schools
also
 organize outdoor activities for people to take a rest and encourage social skills.
Thus
, it is unnecessary to force
students
 to learn
arts
. Another reason
needs
Correct pronoun usage
that needs
show examples
 to be understood is that there are not many well-paid occupations for artists. Because the amount of jobs and a good working condition for
arts
 are quite rare, many learners do not choose to go for them and prefer practical ones, for
instant
Replace the word
instance
show examples
, finance or
medical
Replace the word
medicine
show examples
.
According to
 a survey in Ho Chi Minh
city
Capitalize word
City
show examples
, the job having the highest number of employees relates to finance.
Hence
, art
classes
 are not a prior choice for
students
 to focus on. Taking all into consideration, art
classes
 should not be a compulsory subject.
However
,
schools
 still need to hold artistic activities to develop
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 abilities of
students
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that transitional phrases are used consistently to improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs. For instance, use 'On the other hand' to present contrasting ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Discuss counterarguments more comprehensively and refute them logically where necessary. This can help to demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear standpoint with logical reasoning, which underscores the author's point of view convincingly.
coherence cohesion
A well-structured introduction and conclusion, which help frame the essay effectively. The essay begins with a clear thesis statement and concludes by reiterating the main points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Emotional expression
  • Mental health
  • Cultural awareness
  • Diversity and inclusion
  • Fine motor skills
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Academic performance
  • Artistic engagement
  • Career opportunities
  • Creative fields
  • Graphic design
  • Architecture
  • Game development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: