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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Write about the following topic: Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #technology #people #viewpoints
It is thought that with the use of recent
technology
, society become more intimate towards one another,
while
 others believe that it creates a
seperation
Correct your spelling
separation
.
Although
technology
 can be said to be the reason some
people
 are too busy with their own world, I believe that it can be utilized
for finding
Change preposition
to find
show examples
other person
Change the wording
another person
other people
show examples
 who
have
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has
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 the same interest
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 us For several generations,
people
 have met
face to face
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
 with each other
to
Replace the word
too
show examples
.
Due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
advanced
technology
, we no longer have to meet other
people
 to get pleasure.
For instance
, the rise of streaming
platform
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platforms
show examples
 on the internet reduces the number of
people
 who
goes
Correct subject-verb agreement
go
show examples
 to the cinema.
Hence
, they tend to isolate themselves rather than go out and have fun with other
people
.
However
,
technology
 can be beneficial for linking up with anyone without limitation. Sharing your personal hobbies is an easy
things
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thing
show examples
 to do thanks to social media. One can create their own community based on anything.
For example
, you can find a community for almost any hobby
in
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on
show examples
 Facebook. There, everyone can ask for
an advice
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advice
a piece of advice
a bit of advice
show examples
 and surely someone will
immediatly
Correct your spelling
immediately
 give a solution.
Therefore
, if used correctly, the benefits of using
technology
 are almost limitless. In conclusion,
while
 someone can be too isolated because of
technology
,
i
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I
show examples
 feel that the opportunity that social media can give
,
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apply
show examples
 will help bring everybody from around the world closer
Submitted by Azami on

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task response
To improve your essay, make sure each paragraph is fully developed with specific examples and explanations. Currently, the ideas are presented but not deeply explored. Try to elaborate more on how technology connects people and provides opportunities for forming communities.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a logical flow of ideas by using appropriate linkers and transitional phrases. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily. In your essay, the ideas are there but some transitions between sentences and paragraphs need to be smoother.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your argument.
complete response
You have addressed both viewpoints of the topic, which shows a balanced approach.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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