IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion

#technology #people #viewpoints
It is thought that with the use of recent technology, society become more intimate towards one another,
while
 others believe that it creates a separation.
Although
 it can be said to be the reason some people are too busy with their own world, I believe that it can be utilized to find another person who has the same interest as us For several generations, folk have met face-to-face with each other too.
Due to
 advanced automation, we no longer have to meet other
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
 to get pleasure.
For instance
, the rise of streaming platforms on the internet reduces the number of people who go to the cinema.
Hence
, they tend to isolate themselves rather than go out and have fun with other public.
However
, automation can be beneficial for linking up with anyone without limitation. Sharing your personal hobbies is an easy thing to do thanks to social media. One can create their own community based on anything.
Moreover
, anyone can look for which groups they fit into and
also
 if interested, they can start pursuing a new hobby they found on the internet.
For example
, you can find a community for almost any hobby on Facebook. There, everyone can ask for advice and surely someone will immediately give a solution.
Therefore
, if used correctly, the benefits of using automation are almost limitless. In conclusion,
while
 someone can be too isolated because of technology, I feel that the opportunity that social media can give will help bring everybody from around the world closer
Submitted by Azami on

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task achievement
Ensure full development of all points. Your essay touches on valid arguments, but it should delve deeper into why technology has both positive and negative effects on social behavior.
task achievement
Strengthen the examples used. While mentioning streaming platforms and Facebook communities is useful, providing more specific data or elaborating on how these examples impact social behavior could enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance paragraph transitions. While the ideas flow reasonably well, ensuring smoother transitions between different points could improve overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Improve sentence variety and structure. Use a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to maintain reader interest and better express your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Consider expanding your conclusion. Summarize the main points of your essay more comprehensively to reinforce your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
You have a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Your main points are relevant to the topic and are logically structured, providing a clear argument.
task achievement
You offer some relevant specific examples that aid in illustrating your points, such as referencing social media platforms and streaming services.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
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