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Band 3.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development
In
the
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apply
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recent years, various technological applications have been used to put
people
 under surveillance through mobile phones and cameras without their awareness. In my opinion, these measures bring about more negative impacts than positive ones.  The first thing to consider regarding monitoring
people
 using digital devices is that it goes against our civilization. Every living person has the right to keep their images private and live a free life without being supervised against their
wills
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will
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. Historical events
haven
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have
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 proven that mankind
is
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has been
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 fighting for their freedom of speech and actions for several decades, and
by
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controlling what
people
 say or do by recording would set our
sociey
Correct your spelling
society
 back several centuries.
Moreover
, keeping
people
 under supervision without their
consents
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consent
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 is an act of dictatorship. Certain governments are using it to control the information shared among their citizenry.
For example
, China has
been
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apply
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heavily controlled the social media platforms available,
as well as
 restrict all
sort
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sorts
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 of information published. It serves as
Correct article usage
a methods
show examples
methods
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method
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 to keep the
citizen
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citizens
show examples
unawared
Correct your spelling
unaware
 of
the
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apply
show examples
certain situations, and by forbidding their citizen to voice up, the lawmakers can have better control over the community. In conclusion, technology should not be used to monitor what
people
 say and do, especially against their
consents
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consent
show examples
, as it is a violation
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their rights and it
also
 disturbs the political transparency in a society.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the main points by giving additional examples or evidence. For instance, you mentioned China's control over social media, but providing more detailed consequences of this practice can strengthen your argument.
language
Work on grammatical and typographical accuracy. For example, 'sociey' should be 'society,' 'unawared' should be 'unaware,' and 'consents' should be 'consent.' These small errors can make the essay appear less polished.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is well-organized, consider using more transitional phrases to better connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This can improve the overall flow and make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Include a counterargument to show that you have considered multiple perspectives. Addressing and refuting a potential opposing view can make your argument more nuanced and compelling.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and your position, which sets a clear direction for the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay well, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow your line of reasoning.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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