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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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In these days, child development has always been considered to be an essential part.
While
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 some people believe that family plays an important role in raising
children
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, others think that social factors like television, friends, and music have more influence on young people. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on two viewpoints, and my standpoint on the issue will be presented.
To begin
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 with, family is a serious aspect of a child’s development. First of all,
children
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 spend most of their time with their family, especially when they are at a very young age. In fact,
children
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 have immature cognition, so they cannot distinguish between good and bad;
therefore
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, parents should support them at an early age.
Moreover
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,
children
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 will try to mimic
Correct pronoun usage
their parents’s
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parents’s
Remove the s
parents’
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behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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;
hence
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, parents should not take actions that badly affect their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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.
Secondly
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, if several problems occur in the kid’s memory,
such
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 as child abuse or domestic violence, it could damage the child’s mental health.
For instance
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, individuals who have experienced broken marriages
from
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with
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 their parents will mostly feel unconfident and less secure in adult life.
However
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, there is no doubt that external factors significantly impact a child’s evolution. Specifically,
children
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 can observe various kinds of knowledge on the internet or television. With the rapid development of technology, kids from all over the world can attend online classes with just a smart device like a smartphone, and they can learn multiple languages by watching foreign programs on television. Not only that, friends can
also
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 influence
children
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, as they will try to do the same as their peers to not be lonely in a group of friends. In conclusion, both family and social factors can affect
children
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 in many ways. In my opinion, family is more important than anything else in developing
children
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.

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task achievement
Ensure to provide more relevant and specific examples to support arguments. This will strengthen the essay and showcase a deep understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving logical flow by utilizing transition words and phrases more effectively, as this will enhance overall coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Address potential counterarguments to showcase a well-rounded understanding of the topic. This can add depth to the analysis and make the essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The writer has attempted to cover both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
Use of varied vocabulary and sentence structures adds richness to the writing.
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