IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the government should financially support retired people. Others feels that those who have retired should pay to support themselves. Discuss both these points and give your own opinion.

#people #government #support #points
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals
agrue
Correct your spelling
argue
agree
 that administrations ought to extend monetary aid for those who
retired
Wrong verb form
retire
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that they should self-
support
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion. Perhaps some
people
Use synonyms
 claim that governments should pay for the
livings
Fix the agreement mistake
living
show examples
 of old
people
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
because they paid taxes when they were in service. Most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 will pay taxes
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their income, which is the main source of income for nations to prepare
budget
Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they buy goods and products from the local markets, which contribute to the income of the country through taxes.
Hence
Linking Words
, they played a major role when they were active.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Singapore, all senior citizens are under the scheme of monthly cash entitlements to
support
Use synonyms
 their daily needs and to protect them from financial
burden
Fix the agreement mistake
burdens
show examples
.
Conversely
Linking Words
, some proponents argue that old
people
Use synonyms
 ought to
support
Use synonyms
 themselves because they can utilise their savings.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 have completed work for more than
twenty five
Add a hyphen
twenty-five
show examples
 years in their jobs, which
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
 them to save a lot of money so they can use those funds to take care of
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
. If governments provide
support
Use synonyms
 to old
people
Use synonyms
, they will not have sufficient money to
support
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 who struggle in poverty.
Hence
Linking Words
, a lack of
support
Use synonyms
 to
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 will
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
 to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 in crimes, which, in turn, affects the safety and security of the senior citizens.
For example
Linking Words
, in India, pension plans are commonly provided by all organisations to their employees to utilise those funds after their retirement periods. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that states should provide financial aid in the later stages, I believe that old
people
Use synonyms
 can take care of their own by using personal investment plans
instead
Linking Words
 of depending on others.
Submitted by prasadjul1986 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to avoid repetition of words and phrases. For instance, instead of saying 'old people' multiple times, you might use synonyms like 'elderly' or 'retirees'.
coherence and cohesion
Work on developing smooth transitions between paragraphs. This will improve the readability and flow of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are clear, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point followed by supporting details. Sometimes, the main idea can get lost in the explanation.
task achievement
You clearly articulated both viewpoints and provided a well-defined personal opinion in the conclusion.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples that help to illustrate the points being made. This enhances the reader's understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with clear introduction and conclusion statements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial support
  • Government aid
  • Basic standard of living
  • Poverty reduction
  • Social contract
  • Health issues
  • Self-support
  • Personal responsibility
  • Savings culture
  • Financial burden
  • Taxes
  • Dignity
  • Pension plans
  • Personal investments
  • Economic contribution
What to do next:
Look at other essays: