IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is better if an extended family for example uncle aunt grandparents are involved in a child upbringing than just parent alone. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#uncle #aunt #grandparents #child #upbringing #parent
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Upbring is a crucial factor
to determine
Change preposition
in determining
show examples
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 personality, and its variety becomes
more broad
Replace the words
broader
show examples
 than before. Some believe that extended family should assist a
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 upbringing
while
 others say that it should be done only by
parents
. In my point of view, though I partly agree with that
parents
 need to educate their
children
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
, it has some profits that grandparents help
this
.
Firstly
, educating
children
 only by their
parents
 has positive effects, including giving no bias to the
children
. Young people are frequently confused if they are given different information by others,
thus
 education by someone who is not their
parents
 might be harmful in
this
 situation. As an illustration, grandparents typically have
stereotype
Fix the agreement mistake
stereotypes
show examples
 since it is quite difficult to change minds if individuals become elderly.
This
stereotype
Replace the word
stereotypical
show examples
 opinion leads
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation to have old minds, which is potentially considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
awful
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
By contrast
, it is an
exellent
Correct your spelling
excellent
 idea that extended
families
upbring
Correct your spelling
bring
up bring
 their
children
, which allows
parents
 to work
while
 growing up their
children
. Since the educational costs of
children
 are
expesive
Correct your spelling
expensive
,
parents
 have to prepare to pay it.
For instance
, in Japan, the annual cost of
private
Correct article usage
a private
show examples
 high school is more than five hundred thousand yen, even though the average salary in Japan is four million yen a year.
Therefore
, both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
parents
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
 have to work to earn these budgets.
Thus
, extended
families
 give their
parents
 permission to work, which has a positive effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them
finantially
Correct your spelling
financially
. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
while
 the downside of a
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 upbringing only by their
parents
 is significant, the profit of collaboration with extended
families
 is slightly more crucial than that.
Hence
, I personally argue that I agree with the statement that extended
families
 should assist a
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 upbringing.
Submitted by ryoga17.0325 on

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task response
Your introduction sets up the essay well by presenting both sides of the argument, though a clearer thesis statement could enhance the readability.
task response
You've addressed both sides of the argument, which is good. However, the examples provided could be more relevant and specific to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is generally clear, but some sentences are lengthy and could be broken down for better comprehension.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are clear, they would be better supported by concrete examples that directly relate to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument well.
task response
You present balanced viewpoints, considering both the advantages and disadvantages of extended family involvement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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