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Band 4

The number of people who are overweight or obese is far higher than in previous generation. What are the reasons for this, and How this problem be tackled.

#people #generation
People
 have become lazy nowadays than in the past, Which significantly increases the rate of
obesity
. There has been a plethora of reasons behind the detrimental rise in the
obesity
 rate and
also
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
 a solution for it. I will elaborate on it in the forthcoming paragraphs. The reason behind the overweight is mainly related to the changes in
people
’s lifestyles. New generations choose to play on technical gadgets over playing outdoors.
Moreover
, because of workloads both children and adults spend most of their time on their school homework and office work, which decreases their leisure time for
workout
Fix the agreement mistake
workouts
show examples
.
Furthermore
, labour work decreased in the past after robotic invention, which
succor
Change the verb form
succors
show examples
people
 with faster work and less physical demand.
In addition
,
people
 like to have tasty and unhealthy
food
, which enhances their cholesterol
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 and causes perilous ailments like heart attack and
obesity
.
On the other hand
, there are numerous solutions to reduce
obesity
. By eating healthy
food
 and doing regular exercise
people
 can become healthy.
For example
, replacing fast
food
 with
nutrition
Replace the word
nutritious
show examples
food
 can help
people
 to stay away from
obesities
Replace the word
obesity
show examples
 and detrimental health diseases. Schools should arrange a sports lecture for one or two hours a day and
also
 impart knowledge about eating healthy
food
. In recapitulation, I tend to deem that
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
not only proper balance between healthy
food
 and exercise but
also
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
living
active
Correct article usage
an active
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 and
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 the use of
digital
Add an article
the digital
show examples
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 can help
people
 to stay fit.
Submitted by milonishekhaliya on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides a response to both parts of the question. However, the ideas are sometimes superficially developed and would benefit from more depth and specific examples. For instance, statistics or real-life cases could strengthen the argument. Consider fleshing out the reasons and solutions with more detailed supporting points.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, the logical flow could be improved. Transitions between ideas and sentences are sometimes abrupt. Work on smoother transitions and logical connections between points, perhaps by using more linking words and phrases.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents main points, but these points would be more convincing if supported with more specific details or evidence. Additionally, consider exploring a variety of reasons and solutions instead of general or repetitive statements. This will show a deeper understanding and provide a more comprehensive response. For example, discussing government policies or educational programs could add depth.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly demarcate the essay, providing a good framework. The essay covers both reasons for obesity and potential solutions, addressing both parts of the task.
clear comprehensive ideas
The use of vocabulary is varied, showcasing a good range of language. Some sentences and phrases demonstrate a high level of English proficiency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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