IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think people working in creative arts should be financially supported by the government. Others think they should find financial support from other resources. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In modern society, the general
people
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 have shown a significant interest in creative
art
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. To develop the
art
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industry
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, some
people
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 may have claimed that the
government
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 should support
artists
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 financially in the process of creating
art
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.
This
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 is true;
however
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, I
also
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 believe that
artists
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 should be supported by other organisations to some degree.
Firstly
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, the
government
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 should invest money in encouraging creative
artists
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. Helping them to develop their workplaces, including repairing and installing new
art
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-related furniture, or to provide qualified materials seems effective at enhancing the value of the
art
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industry
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. These efforts attract the public to
art
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-related cultures.
For example
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, in Korea, after the
government
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 supported various
artists
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 and
art
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corporations
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 in establishing
art
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 exhibitions, they succeeded in appealing to individuals to participate in
art
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 cultures. I think
such
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 an investment might be able to increase the profits of both
artists
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 and the
art
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industry
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, leading to
societal
Correct article usage
a societal
show examples
 harmony atmosphere.
On the other hand
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, creative
artists
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 should be supported by other resources rather than the
government
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 since the
government
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 should address more imperative issues in society
such
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 as education or developing infrastructure.
Also
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, I believe organisations which are
expertise
Fix the agreement mistake
experts
show examples
 in
art
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 will be beneficial to
artists
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 as those
corporations
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 which have addressed many issues with other
artists
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 know effective ways to help
people
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.
Hence
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, they can give professional consulting to
artists
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.
Furthermore
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, unlike the
government
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, having limited finances to help
artists
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, other resources will be able to help
artists
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 sincerely. Public
art
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 organisations,
for instance
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, were established to support the
art
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industry
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, pursuing discovering sensational creative
artists
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 and helping
people
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 to develop their creativity, without any restrictions to help them.
Consequently
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, I believe that being supported by other
corporations
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 has positive effects on
artists
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. In conclusion, as compared above, helping
artists
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 has beneficial impacts on our society,
however
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, as a person who puts more value on the creativity of
artists
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, I believe other resources should invest vast money to develop the
art
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industry
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. Not only the
government
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 and
corporations
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 but
also
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 we should keep an eye on
artists
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 with a lot of encouragement.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument for both sides of the issue, which is excellent. However, you could strengthen your task achievement by providing a bit more depth in your examples and developing your points further. For instance, discuss how exactly other organizations can provide support and why their involvement is crucial.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure that your ideas are logically sequenced throughout. While you have a good flow, some points could be better connected. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs should be smoother to enhance readability.
task achievement
Consider addressing counterarguments more explicitly to balance the discussion better. For instance, discuss potential downsides of relying solely on non-governmental organizations and how these might be mitigated.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured, but could be slightly more engaging to capture and hold the reader’s interest. Perhaps, include a compelling hook or a thought-provoking statement in the beginning.
task achievement
You present clear and comprehensive ideas, and your writing overall indicates a good grasp of the subject matter. Well done!
task achievement
You’ve used relevant and specific examples to support your points, which make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, and the main points are well-supported throughout the essay. This contributes to a coherent and cohesive response.
coherence cohesion
Both your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame your argument. This helps in providing a clear structure to your essay.
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