IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some parts of the world, many famous people are regarded as 'role models' and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is that a positive or negative development?

#parts #world #people #role #models #influence #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays renowned
people
 seem to have a huge impact on today's generation.
In addition
, there are positive and negative sides to
this
 issue.I will discuss
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 and drawbacks of
this
 statement. To commence one of the positive aspects of well-known personalities being
role
models
 is that they can inspire young
people
 to achieve their goals and realize their hobbies.
For example
, business introduction stars like Elon Musk or Steve Jobs can motivate aspiring businessmen to work hard and develop their skills,
unlock
Wrong verb form
unlocking
show examples
 the potential to succeed in their chosen field. It can inspire young
people
 to dream big, think creatively, and take risks to succeed in their chosen field.
However
, the influence of famous
people
 as
role
models
 can have negative consequences. Many celebrities promote harmful
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
such
 as substance abuse, excessive partying, or risky
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 that can lead young
people
 astray.
Moreover
, the influence of famous
role
models
 can sometimes reduce the importance of real heroes and positive figures in society. In conclusion, it should be noted that the influence of famous
people
 as
role
models
 on young
people
 can have both positive and negative consequences.
While
 they can inspire and motivate the younger generation to achieve their goals and develop their passion, they can
also
 promote harmful
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and unrealistic standards. It is crucial for young
people
 to have access to a wide range of
role
models
 and encourage them to look up to local community leaders and positive personalities who can give them more guidance and inspire them to make a positive impact.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task response, ensure your essay fully addresses every part of the prompt. Try to elaborate more on whether the overall impact is more positive or negative. This would make your position clearer.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, aim to use a wider range of cohesive devices to link your points more effectively, and try to develop a more compelling introduction to clearly state what your essay will cover.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both positive and negative aspects of the influence of famous people on the youth, showing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Main points are reasonably well supported by relevant examples, such as mentioning Elon Musk and Steve Jobs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: