IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children that commit crimes should be punished. Others think the parents should be punished instead. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
children
Use synonyms
 should be punished who commit
Add an article
a crime
the crime
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
, meanwhile, others believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 need to be punished
instead
Linking Words
 of their
children
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 youths are punished for their
crimes
Use synonyms
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their kids. Young
people
Use synonyms
 should not be punished. If they are judged for their
crimes
Use synonyms
 and take
punishments
Fix the agreement mistake
punishment
show examples
, they might get some psychological traumas. To be more clear, in adolescence period, young
people
Use synonyms
’s character is naturally nervous,
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
, and ashamed, and if they are blamed for their mistakes or
crimes
Use synonyms
, they do not feel like innocent among their friends.
For instance
Linking Words
, a pupil is blamed for low scores
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 subjects, and he or she
Change the verb form
starts
show examples
start
Add the particle
start to
show examples
 regret
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
because
Correct pronoun usage
herself because
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 they are disappointed
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 taking punishment in front of many students.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, immature
people
Use synonyms
 would have psychological traumas, if they are punished or blamed.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should answer
instead
Linking Words
 of their kids. Because
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their
children
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 until they become mature individuals, and they need to provide
supplement
Fix the agreement mistake
supplements
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 home, education, food, and clothes as well.
In addition
Linking Words
, fathers and mothers need to control all actions and efforts, whether they are doing
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 things.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Uzbekistan, if a child commits
crime
Add an article
a crime
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 young
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
, policemen
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to come and pay bills for their
Use synonyms
children’s
Fix the agreement mistake
child’s
show examples
 crime,
also
Linking Words
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
write appointments
as apologizing
Change preposition
to apologize
show examples
 from the local authorities.
To sum up
Linking Words
, immature
people
Use synonyms
 should not be blamed for their
crimes
Use synonyms
, but their
parents
Use synonyms
 need to be responsible, because of their duty
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your introduction provides a clear outline of the discussion, but ensure clarity in your thesis statement. Try to precisely state your opinion to create a stronger foundation for your essay.
coherence
The essay could benefit from better transitions between ideas. While you have a logical structure, the flow between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother. Consider adding linking phrases to improve cohesion.
coherence
To enhance coherence, make sure each paragraph clearly supports your overall argument and that the examples used are directly relevant to the point being made. Currently, some examples are not very strongly tied to the arguments.
task response
Your essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views and presenting your own opinion, which fulfills the task requirement well.
coherence
The essay is well-organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, demonstrating good logical structure.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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