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Band 8

In some parts of the world , many famous people are regarded as 'role models' and they are having an increasing on the youth Is that a positive or negative developments

#parts #world #people #role #models #youth #developments
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These days, many
celebrities
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 are becoming
role
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models
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 for young generations.
While
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this
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 can help them find inspiration and motivation, it can
also
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 play a negative
role
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 in a loss of individualism.       On the one hand, the increasing impact of
role
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models
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 is considered positive. Many indecisive youngsters can learn from the career paths of
celebrities
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 and find their own inspiration and motivation.
As a result
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, they will try harder to achieve success as
role
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models
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.
For example
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, Hugh Jackman is a
role
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 model for many teenagers. Through his career, many teenagers were inspired and dedicated themselves to various fields,
such
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 as acting and entrepreneurship.
Thus
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,
this
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 development could be considered positive.              
On the other hand
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,
this
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 development has a negative
role
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.
Firstly
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,
this
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 can lead to the loss of cultural values. Many young people want to become like Korean or American pop stars.
Secondly
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, because of
this
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 development, many youngsters can lose their individuality by convincing themselves of the personalities of their
role
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models
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.
Thirdly
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, some
celebrities
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 could promote unhealthy habits and unrealistic standards, leading to low self-esteem and poor decision-making.
For instance
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, the rate of plastic surgery has increased since 2017, after many
celebrities
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 promoted it.
Therefore
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, the impact that
celebrities
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 have on teenagers can affect them in many aspects.       In conclusion,
although
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 many famous people are regarded as
role
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models
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, their influence could be negative, like a loss of individualism and cultural values.
However
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,
this
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 could play a positive
role
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 too, by inspiring and helping personal growth.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
There is room for further improvement to strengthen the task achievement. Try to elaborate more on your examples, and ensure they directly relate to the points you are making.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has good organization, work on clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented and provide a solid framework for the essay.
task achievement
Your points are generally clear and comprehensive, making it easy to understand your viewpoint.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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