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Band 5

Social media is becoming increasingly popular almost all age groups however sharing personal information on social media website does have risk do you think that the advantages of social media overweight disadvantages

#media #age #groups #information #website #risk
It is often argued that using social
media
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 share personal data on the online website will have a risk. Some
people
 think it can be
benefit
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
,
whereas
someone
Correct your spelling
some do
show examples
 not. I will show both sides of
this
 issue. One of the most important advantages is that communication in
online
Add an article
the online
show examples
 world brings in
abundance
Add an article
an abundance
show examples
 of
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 and solutions since
people
 will have a chance to get exposure to a variety of choices, which is beneficial to them when they are introduced into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
real life.
For example
,
according to
 the latest research conducted by the students from Bangkok University, it revealed that it become easier for 80% of
people
 in Thailand who
use
 Facebook for work
is help
Verb problem
apply
show examples
when they have prior experience of interacting with difficult problems.
This
 demonstrates that social
media
 plays a major role in addressing
this
 issue which eventually will benefit the citizen.
On the other hand
, it seems to me that social
media
 is dangerous for
people
do
Correct pronoun usage
who do
show examples
 not know how to
use
Correct pronoun usage
use it
show examples
. The significant reason is the fact that the criminals will
use
 private information
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 rob the money.
This
 is because a number of
people
 like to share their personal information. To illustrate
this
, in recent news, it has been reported that women who
use
Tinder
Correct article usage
the Tinder
show examples
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
 tend to lose money
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
scammer
Add an article
a scammer
show examples
 in
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
As a result
, police cyber have to work on a large number of
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 cases. In conclusion, having considered both sides,
although
 social
media
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 advantages
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
it still
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 disadvantages
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same time.
Submitted by chuangyaem on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear viewpoint and addresses both sides of the issue, which is commendable. However, the introduction can be more engaging and clearer. Instead of starting with 'It is often argued that,' consider framing your essay with a strong opening statement or question that grabs the reader's attention.
coherence cohesion
Work on logical structure: The essay could benefit from a better flow. Try to use transition words and phrases like 'however,' 'moreover,' 'in addition,' to improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Consider including a clearer thesis statement in the introduction that outlines both sides and hints at your conclusion. This will give the essay a stronger focus from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should restate the main points and provide a clear opinion on the topic. Right now, the conclusion is a bit weak and doesn't clearly address whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Great job providing specific examples to support your argument! The reference to the study from Bangkok University and the example about Tinder are particularly effective.
task achievement
Your points are clear and reasonably well-developed; you address both the pros and cons of social media which shows a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
You have a good range of vocabulary and grammar, though some sentences could be clearer with minor adjustments.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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