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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

#countries #schools #aim #education #range #subjects #children #focus #career #today’s #world
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There have been growing concerns about the range of educational
subjects
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 that
students
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 are required. Some people may have suggested that
students
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 should focus on specific
subjects
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 to prepare for their future careers.
This
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 will be helpful to
students
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,
however
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,
personally
Add a comma
personally,
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 I believe secondary schools should encourage
students
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 to learn a variety of
subjects
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.
Firstly
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, a general education across various
subjects
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 will be beneficial to
students
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. Just imagine that the academic
subjects
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 that are related to a particular
career
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such
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 as math and science,
forcing
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force
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students
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 to concentrate on memorising the complex formulas and scientific concepts. What I am concerned about is that
students
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 may lose their interest in studying, thereby having narrow perspectives on those
subjects
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 which only demand a studious atmosphere.
However
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, if
students
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 are provided non-academic
classes
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such
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 as art and music in general education, they might be able to broaden their perspectives and allow them to figure out various occupations.
Consequently
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, I believe that having diverse
classes
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 in schools contributes to not only discovering talent but
also
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 expanding the path of their future
career
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.
Nevertheless
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, studying
career
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-related
subjects
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 can assist
students
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 in focusing immensely on their specific
subjects
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. In Korea,
for instance
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, getting high performance in English is crucial for entering University
as well as
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 when getting a job.
Hence
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, it is beneficial for
students
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 to spend most of their time preparing for English tests, which demand high standard levels rather than other
subjects
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.
Moreover
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,
students
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 can reduce stress by avoiding
classes
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 that they are not interested in.
For example
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, if some
classes
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 like music or sports are mandatory in school,
students
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 who are not good at those
classes
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 will be overwhelmed and feel frustrated. In conclusion,
although
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 focusing on a narrow range of
subjects
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 related to a
career
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 can reduce strains on
students
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, I believe that experiencing various
subjects
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 is essential because it provides a lot of different perspectives, which will contribute to
enhance
Change the verb form
enhancing
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 the
career
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 path in the long run. We should encourage
students
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 to find out their talent by giving them various opportunities.
Submitted by kchengii on

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task achievement
Ensure a clear position throughout the essay. Your stance is clear, but at times, the explanation can be more assertive to underscore your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining your transitions between ideas. While your essay is coherent, smoother transitions can enhance the flow of your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your points. While the examples given are good, adding more can strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument and clearly outlines your stance.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is well-rounded and reinforces your main argument, providing a satisfying sense of closure.
coherence cohesion
The essay is cohesive with logical structuring of points in each paragraph, making it easy to follow your argument.
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