IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today's world,
pollution
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 and housing problems significantly impact human
health
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.
While
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 some argue that reducing environmental
pollution
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 should be the government's primary focus to prevent diseases, others believe that other issues deserve more attention. I contend that harmful substances in
food
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 are a more significant
health
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threat
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 than
pollution
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, leading to more severe
health
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 issues, including cancer.
Therefore
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, I disagree with the notion that governments should prioritize reducing environmental
pollution
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 over other
health
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 concerns. One argument against focusing primarily on environmental
pollution
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 is that other
health
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 risks,
such
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 as
food
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 safety, may pose a greater
threat
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.
While
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 companies and heavy industries do contaminate streams and rivers, leading to water
pollution
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, many countries mitigate
this
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 issue with advanced filtration systems.
For example
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, in Taiwan, 80% of households use domestic water filters, ensuring access to clean drinking water.
Additionally
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, housing problems like overcrowded and poorly organized communities are widespread, but their
health
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 impacts are often less severe than those caused by contaminated
food
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.
Consequently
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,
while
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 environmental
pollution
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 is a concern, it may not warrant the highest priority when compared to other
health
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 risks.
In contrast
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, the presence of carcinogenic additives in
food
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 is a growing concern that demands immediate government attention. Research indicates that harmful substances in
food
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 products are a leading cause of cancer.
For instance
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, Sudan Red, a dye used in solvents and clothing, is sometimes illicitly added to
food
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 to cut costs, leading to severe
health
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 issues. Unlike environmental pollutants, harmful
food
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 additives are directly and rapidly absorbed by the intestines, posing an immediate
threat
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 to
health
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.
Therefore
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, governments should prioritize
food
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 safety to protect public
health
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 effectively. In conclusion,
while
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 reducing environmental
pollution
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 and addressing housing problems are important, the presence of carcinogenic substances in
food
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 poses a more immediate and severe
threat
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 to public
health
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. Governments should focus more on ensuring
food
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 safety to prevent illnesses and diseases. By tackling foodborne
health
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 risks, we can better protect public
health
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 and reduce the incidence of serious diseases like cancer.

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task achievement
While the essay presents a clear viewpoint and addresses the topic effectively, you could improve clarity by providing more balanced arguments. Acknowledging the importance of reducing environmental pollution in more depth would strengthen your stance.
coherence cohesion
Enhancing the coherence between paragraphs would improve the essay. Transitions between different points could be smoother. For instance, clearly connect the discussion on food safety back to the overall topic of preventing illnesses and diseases.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, but they could be expanded upon to illustrate your points more vividly. Consider also addressing counterarguments to provide a more comprehensive view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-constructed, clearly outlining and summarizing your main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and maintains a consistent position throughout, making it easy to follow your argumentation.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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