IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today's world,
pollution
Use synonyms
 and housing problems significantly impact human
health
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some argue that reducing environmental
pollution
Use synonyms
 should be the government's primary focus to prevent diseases, others believe that other issues deserve more attention. I contend that harmful substances in
food
Use synonyms
 are a more significant
health
Use synonyms
threat
Use synonyms
 than
pollution
Use synonyms
, leading to more severe
health
Use synonyms
 issues, including cancer.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I disagree with the notion that governments should prioritize reducing environmental
pollution
Use synonyms
 over other
health
Use synonyms
 concerns. One argument against focusing primarily on environmental
pollution
Use synonyms
 is that other
health
Use synonyms
 risks,
such
Linking Words
 as
food
Use synonyms
 safety, may pose a greater
threat
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 companies and heavy industries do contaminate streams and rivers, leading to water
pollution
Use synonyms
, many countries mitigate
this
Linking Words
 issue with advanced filtration systems.
For example
Linking Words
, in Taiwan, 80% of households use domestic water filters, ensuring access to clean drinking water.
Additionally
Linking Words
, housing problems like overcrowded and poorly organized communities are widespread, but their
health
Use synonyms
 impacts are often less severe than those caused by contaminated
food
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 environmental
pollution
Use synonyms
 is a concern, it may not warrant the highest priority when compared to other
health
Use synonyms
 risks.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the presence of carcinogenic additives in
food
Use synonyms
 is a growing concern that demands immediate government attention. Research indicates that harmful substances in
food
Use synonyms
 products are a leading cause of cancer.
For instance
Linking Words
, Sudan Red, a dye used in solvents and clothing, is sometimes illicitly added to
food
Use synonyms
 to cut costs, leading to severe
health
Use synonyms
 issues. Unlike environmental pollutants, harmful
food
Use synonyms
 additives are directly and rapidly absorbed by the intestines, posing an immediate
threat
Use synonyms
 to
health
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, governments should prioritize
food
Use synonyms
 safety to protect public
health
Use synonyms
 effectively. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 reducing environmental
pollution
Use synonyms
 and addressing housing problems are important, the presence of carcinogenic substances in
food
Use synonyms
 poses a more immediate and severe
threat
Use synonyms
 to public
health
Use synonyms
. Governments should focus more on ensuring
food
Use synonyms
 safety to prevent illnesses and diseases. By tackling foodborne
health
Use synonyms
 risks, we can better protect public
health
Use synonyms
 and reduce the incidence of serious diseases like cancer.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay presents a clear viewpoint and addresses the topic effectively, you could improve clarity by providing more balanced arguments. Acknowledging the importance of reducing environmental pollution in more depth would strengthen your stance.
coherence cohesion
Enhancing the coherence between paragraphs would improve the essay. Transitions between different points could be smoother. For instance, clearly connect the discussion on food safety back to the overall topic of preventing illnesses and diseases.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, but they could be expanded upon to illustrate your points more vividly. Consider also addressing counterarguments to provide a more comprehensive view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-constructed, clearly outlining and summarizing your main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure and maintains a consistent position throughout, making it easy to follow your argumentation.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: