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Band 4.5

In many countries have severe problems with students behavior. what do you this are the cause of this? what solution can you suggest?

#countries #students #behavior
Pupils’ actions lead to numerous issues in different
part
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parts
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 of the world.
This
 is a serious problem because it affects
speed
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the speed
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 of the development level of the countries.
This
 essay will consider the main causes of
students
’ tendency, before proposing two possible solutions. Perhaps the most important cause of
students
’ behaviors in many countries is tending to
victim
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victims
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. It is widely considerable that pupils are influenced by bad ideas namely drugs,
guns
Correct word choice
and guns
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 which are
showing
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shown
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 by
media
Correct article usage
the media
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.
As a result
, social media
such
 as Instagram,
YouTube
Correct word choice
and YouTube
show examples
 link to being nervous and
tending
Verb problem
becoming
show examples
victim
Correct article usage
a victim
show examples
 and, it leads to occur, particularly
between
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among
show examples
teenager
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teenagers
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such
 as
bulling
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bullying
show examples
. Another key factor is
lack
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a lack
show examples
 of
efforts
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effort
show examples
 in daily life. Nowadays,
students
 have a passive character, and they don’t compete
each
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with each
show examples
 other. They prefer to live
stabile
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stable
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 and riskless.
For example
, the fundamental target of the majority of them stays home and
spend
Correct subject-verb agreement
spends
show examples
 time on the Internet. Fortunately,
however
, there are two promising solutions to
this
 problem. First of all, the government should take
actions
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action
show examples
 for spending time on the internet
particularly
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, particularly
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 on social media.
This
 would make
students
 more
open-mind
Correct your spelling
open-minded
show examples
 and, it will link to feel positive. It is only possible to new law
regulation
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regulations
show examples
 for limiting screen time.
Secondly
, the governments can inline to
social
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the social
a social
show examples
activity
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activities
show examples
 which are
students
 interested in for
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 productive life standard
such
 as running, swimming or playing violence. It should directly affect
to
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apply
show examples
pupils’ mental and body health.
To sum up
,
students
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students'
student's
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behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a challenging problem which is primarily caused by technological development and passive character. I recommend that governments address
this
 issue by new law regulation and encouraging social activities.
Submitted by emiretatli7 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task appropriately by identifying key causes and suggesting potential solutions. However, you should clearly distinguish between the main points and supporting details.
task achievement
In some parts, the essay lacks clear and comprehensive ideas. To improve this, add more in-depth explanations and avoid vague statements.
task achievement
Attempt to include specific examples and real-life scenarios to substantiate your points. This adds depth to your argument and makes your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. This can be achieved by using more linking words and phrases, such as 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' etc.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but they can be made stronger. Make sure your introduction clearly states your main points, and your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay while offering a final insight.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that your main points are fully developed and supported by examples. Avoid introducing new ideas in your concluding paragraph.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and stays relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is generally clear with distinct paragraphs for different points.
task achievement
You offer two practical solutions to the problem, showing a thoughtful approach to addressing the issues.

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