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Band 5.5

In many parts of the world, people are refusing to have fewer children. Why do you think this is happening? What impacts may it have on society?

#parts #world #people #children #impacts #society
In many regions of our globe,
people
 are choosing not to expand their branches and have children.
This
 has very positive and negative effects on society, and in
this
 essay, I will shed light on
this
 hypothesis.
Firstly
, it is very important to note that nowadays,
people
 are choosing not to have children to focus on their careers.
This
 is the case with the popular country, South Korea.
Women
 are refusing to settle down and have offspring because, in their opinion, infants ruin their chances of getting a proper job.
As well as
 putting a career first
instead
 of having a family.
Thus
, the population is sequentially decreasing, and the number of older
people
 is increasing,
thus
 making the government worried. To solve
this
 problem, the South Korean government decided to pay its female citizens money (in WON) if they
decide
Wrong verb form
decided
show examples
 to have children.
Secondly
, it is important to not fail to mention that it is a great factor in
women
's development that they are focusing on their careers rather than having a family, breaking many years of long and orthodox stereotypes. The fact that a woman can decide her own future
instead
 of listening to her “stuck in the past” elders
prove
Correct subject-verb agreement
proves
show examples
 how much we have evolved as a society.
However
, whenever there is good, there will be bad.
Although
women
 are
finally
 speaking out on
this
 problem, men are getting more aggressive towards their wives, who
also
 wish to pursue a career of their own. Gun violence and abusive situations are becoming more and more frequent for
women
 who want to have a job. In conclusion, it is safe to say that,
although
women
 focusing on their careers is one of the best aspects of a developing society, it is
also
 very saddening that they receive backlash from their family and friends for indirectly reducing the world’s population. Sometimes, because some
people
 refuse to accept the fact that a woman will
also
 have a career on their own, they take the matter into violence and abusive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
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task achievement
Focus on providing more balanced examples to support your main points. Try to provide both perspectives equally to give a more comprehensive view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using linking phrases and maintain a clear logical progression throughout.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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