IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Governments should support care vs fiannce for retired people while others believe that they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
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 that Government policy should take into account helping pension
people
Use synonyms
 by offering caregiving
facilities
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 rather than providing financial assistance. Meanwhile, other
people
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 argue that it is an advocate to save funds when they get older. From my perspective, some
facilities
Use synonyms
 should be done by the authorities because
this
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 is a recognition for them and both reviews are elaborate on. On the one hand, elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are vital in the
country
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. Despite, they are getting older and they can not give a contribution like physical activities to their
country
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 anymore, they can be leveraged to provide some guidance
such
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 as giving experience to the new generation.
Instead
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 of giving financial incentives like subsidies of money, the councils are supposed to provide
facilities
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for example
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 medical checkups twice a year to help retired
people
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 maintain their health so that they can be productive again in another way.
On the other hand
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, other
people
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 argue that retired
people
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 when they were young should get as much money as they can to not be a state burden.
Although
Linking Words
 it is quite impolite,
this
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 regulation should be done.
This
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 is because the government can leverage their budget to develop an alternative plan
to
Change preposition
for
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 the
country
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. Taking developed countries as an example, the government of Japan has asked their citizens to get money when they were productive-era.
This
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 allows them to create another infrastructure for the next generation.
Finally
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, in my review, whether subsidies from governments or
people
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 should create
facilities
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 based on their finances, is better done by the author. Retired
people
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, when they were young, worked hard not only for their necessities but
also
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 for national honour.
Moreover
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, they devoted their time to developing their
country
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.
Therefore
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, it is warranted when the councils provide some health
facilities
Use synonyms
 or even some amenities for well-being.

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task
Your essay generally addresses the task with an introduction, a discussion of both views, and a conclusion. However, be careful with small grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as 'despite, they are getting older' and 'productive-era.' These can make your writing less clear and engaging.
cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure the paragraphs flow smoothly. For instance, using more transition words and phrases can help. Merge your ideas more seamlessly, e.g., 'On the one hand, elderly people are vital in the country. Despite their age, they can contribute through experience-sharing rather than physical activities.'
support
You do provide relevant examples, such as the case of Japan, but try to expand on them to make your argument stronger. Giving more detailed explanations will make your essay more convincing.
structure
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. This is well-organized.
task
You made a good effort to discuss both sides of the argument and gave your opinion in the conclusion, which shows a comprehensive approach to the topic.
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