IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as compleatly wrong, while others cosider is as valuable work experienced, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your onw opinion.

In some countries, children are involved in jobs that allow them to earn money.
Although
Linking Words
 many individuals think it is wrong, others believe that it is a good opportunity to gain
experience
Use synonyms
 and enhance knowledge, which is crucial for their upcoming life to handle tasks properly.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elucidate both points
along with
Linking Words
 a suitable explanation and examples.
To begin
Linking Words
, the first and foremost reason behind the thinking that engaged in paid
work
Use synonyms
 is not good for children is
time
Use synonyms
 management. To explain, Paid jobs require proper
time
Use synonyms
 and focus, which is not possible for the pupil because they have some other
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 to do
such
Linking Words
 as school homework, preparing for tests and so on; So if they continue with their
work
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 it will not only affect their academic performance but
also
Linking Words
 decrease their playing
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the survey conducted by Toronto University has shown that more than 50% of international students fail
due to
Linking Words
 the pressure of
work
Use synonyms
 and lack of
time
Use synonyms
 to study.
As a result
Linking Words
,
along with
Linking Words
 poor performance in studies, in some cases, students
also
Linking Words
 became victims of depression or stress. Moving towards opponents who think that involvement in salaried positions is integral for career growth is owing to several reasons. The first is
experience
Use synonyms
; to elaborate, when scholars start working before completing their graduation, it will help them in the future to get high positions, which is possible through their
experience
Use synonyms
, and early starting
also
Linking Words
 enhances their knowledge and enables them to handle difficult situations without wasting
time
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the headlines of the Ajit newspaper of 14 August 2023 state that among all nations, scholars, Chinese children have more ability and understanding of the situation because of their
work
Use synonyms
 with study, which allows them to gain real-world
experience
Use synonyms
 at a young age.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 both options have advantages and side effects, I concur that employment in wage
work
Use synonyms
 is beneficial for a track record, earning money, and many more. But, the disadvantages
also
Linking Words
 cannot be neglected, so the masses should
also
Linking Words
 focus on their health and academic performance.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to fully answer all aspects of the question. You provided some arguments but didn't clearly present your opinion in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Try to create clearer links between your ideas. For example, use transition words like 'however' or 'on the other hand' more effectively to connect points.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, especially when discussing the benefits of work experience for children.
task achievement
Your essay covers the main points of both views well, which shows good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and help to frame your argument effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: