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Band 5

Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#scientists #people #health #junk #food #education #work
With an ever-increasing concern about the health-related issues caused by
overconsumption
 of
junk
food
, a proportion of the population has opined that
education
 can play an essential role
to solve
Change preposition
in solving
show examples
this
 issue. The rest of the population,
however
, has raised a counterargument that
this
 will not bring about any changes.
This
 essay will discuss both opinions and give a concluding viewpoint. On the one hand, advocates of
education
 argue that it will be helpful in dealing with
harmful
Correct article usage
the harmful
show examples
 effects of
overconsumption
 of
junk
food
. In terms of
children
, given that having the lack of information related to how to keep a good state of health through diet has been
actual
Add an article
the actual
show examples
 cause of
overconsumption
 of
junk
food
, the essential way to curb
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 trend should be appointed
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
provision
Add an article
the provision
show examples
 of
education
. Compared to the group of
children
 who received a regular class regarding the negative effects of
junk
food
,
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 group of
children
 who did not has shown an increasing tendency
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
overconsumption
 of
junk
food
.
On the other hand
, opponents of
this
 idea contend that
education
 will not actually be effective for the general public in discouraging their consumption of
junk
food
. Among those
children
 who have been enrolled on regular classes about
negative
Add an article
the negative
show examples
 impact of
junk
food
, most students have been still consuming too much
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
junk
food
, which shows that
education
 has less impact on
overconsumption
Correct article usage
the overconsumption
show examples
 of
junk
food
. In conclusion, it seems that
education
 can be effective in encouraging the public to eat less
junk
food
.
Nevertheless
, I strongly believe that long-term consequences which can be directly caused by
this
 agenda and action should be carefully considered in
decision-making
Add an article
the decision-making
show examples
 process.
Submitted by rachael0124 on

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task achievement
The essay would benefit from more specific examples and evidence to support the points raised. Providing real-world data or studies can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Some sentences are unclear and may affect the overall clarity of your ideas. Aim to simplify your language and ensure each sentence contributes directly to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy by not repeating similar points. Each paragraph should introduce a new idea or perspective to keep the reader engaged.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is quite strong, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother to maintain the flow of the essay. Use linking words or phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and present introduction and conclusion, which provide a solid framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your essay discusses both viewpoints effectively, providing a complete response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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