IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#scientists #people #health #junk #food #education #work
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With an ever-increasing concern about the health-related issues caused by
overconsumption
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 of
junk
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food
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, a proportion of the population has opined that
education
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 can play an essential role
to solve
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in solving
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this
Linking Words
 issue. The rest of the population,
however
Linking Words
, has raised a counterargument that
this
Linking Words
 will not bring about any changes.
This
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 essay will discuss both opinions and give a concluding viewpoint. On the one hand, advocates of
education
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 argue that it will be helpful in dealing with
harmful
Correct article usage
the harmful
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 effects of
overconsumption
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 of
junk
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food
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. In terms of
children
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, given that having the lack of information related to how to keep a good state of health through diet has been
actual
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the actual
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 cause of
overconsumption
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 of
junk
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food
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, the essential way to curb
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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from
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apply
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this
Linking Words
 trend should be appointed
to
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apply
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provision
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the provision
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 of
education
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. Compared to the group of
children
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 who received a regular class regarding the negative effects of
junk
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food
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,
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 group of
children
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 who did not has shown an increasing tendency
of
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to
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overconsumption
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 of
junk
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food
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, opponents of
this
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 idea contend that
education
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 will not actually be effective for the general public in discouraging their consumption of
junk
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food
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. Among those
children
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 who have been enrolled on regular classes about
negative
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the negative
show examples
 impact of
junk
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food
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, most students have been still consuming too much
of
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apply
show examples
junk
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food
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, which shows that
education
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 has less impact on
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overconsumption
Correct article usage
the overconsumption
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 of
junk
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food
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. In conclusion, it seems that
education
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 can be effective in encouraging the public to eat less
junk
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food
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.
Nevertheless
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, I strongly believe that long-term consequences which can be directly caused by
this
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 agenda and action should be carefully considered in
decision-making
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the decision-making
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 process.
Submitted by rachael0124 on

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task achievement
The essay would benefit from more specific examples and evidence to support the points raised. Providing real-world data or studies can strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Some sentences are unclear and may affect the overall clarity of your ideas. Aim to simplify your language and ensure each sentence contributes directly to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy by not repeating similar points. Each paragraph should introduce a new idea or perspective to keep the reader engaged.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is quite strong, but some transitions between ideas could be smoother to maintain the flow of the essay. Use linking words or phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and present introduction and conclusion, which provide a solid framework for your essay.
task achievement
Your essay discusses both viewpoints effectively, providing a complete response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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