Inactive lifestyle trent to make more medical problem.Do you agree or disagree
Nowadays, most
people
don’t
have much time to take care of themselves due to
working hard in the office , so they have an inactive lifestyle
such
as lying on the bed all the time, not exercising and eating fast food. These lifestyles tend to cause psychological problems
and physical problems
that tend to make
more medical Verb problem
cause
problems
which is
discussed in the following paragraphs.
First of all, a sedentary Change the verb form
are
lifestyle
affects physical problems
such
as increased blood pressure , sugar level in blood and cholesterol level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
that
tend to increase cardiovascular risk in the future. Cardiovascular risk tends to increase the rate of cardiovascular disease, Correct pronoun usage
which
for example
, acute myocardial infarction and acute cerebrovascular infarction. These diseases increased the mortality rate in the present. Moreover
, an inactive lifestyle
causes weight gain in many people
because they intake more calories than they need in a day so it collects in the fat of the body and makes people
obese. Obese people
have weakened immune systems, making them susceptible to infectious and illness.
Other physical problems
that are affected by an inactive lifestyle
are joint and muscle
pain because people
who have a sedentary lifestyle
don’t
exercise and strengthen the
Change the word
their
muscle
Fix the agreement mistake
muscles
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
make
Verb problem
causes
muscle
atrophy and don’t
have muscle
to support the body Add an article
the muscle
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
increased
pain Wrong verb form
increasing
at
joint and Change preposition
in
muscle
and make them don’t
walk and always stay at the place that make
Change the verb form
makes
a bedridden
Correct the article-noun agreement
bedridden problems
a bedridden problem
problems
following. Moreover
, Obese people
are one of the risk factors of
osteoporosis that have chronic bone and knee pain.
The second is psychological Change preposition
for
problems
such
as anxiety and depression because of inactive lifestyles. Some research said that exercise produces hormones that make people
happy and relax that
can reduce anxiety and depression. Most Correct word choice
and
of
obese Change preposition
apply
people
have
worried about their figure Verb problem
are
that
increase stress Correct pronoun usage
which
level
and be a depressed person.
In conclusion, I totally agree that an inactive Fix the agreement mistake
levels
lifestyle
causes more medical problems
such
as physical health and mental health. These problems
increased the mortality rate in the present. Then
everybody needs to have active
Correct article usage
an active
lifestyles
, Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyle
for example
, exercise and outdoor activity. Having good health requires not only exercising,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
eating good foods and not taking in too many calories.Submitted by papica13 on
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task achievement
Ensure the examples are directly relevant to reinforce your points. Currently, some points could benefit from clearer examples.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, improve transitions within paragraphs. This will help in making the essay flow more naturally.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repetition and ensure that each paragraph introduces a new point or further develops the previous point.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize your main points.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic well, covering both physical and psychological effects of an inactive lifestyle.
coherence cohesion
Good logical structure of the essay. Each paragraph has a clear main idea which contributes to the overall argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.