IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, university students live at home, while in other countries university students go to other cities rather than live with their family. Do you think the benefits of living away from home outweigh the disadvantages.

One of the most controversial issues today relates to university
students
Use synonyms
 who go to other cities rather than stay with their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. Personally, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 belief and
this
Linking Words
 essay will feature some reasons explaining my view. One of the strongest arguments against the preference
in going
Change preposition
to go
show examples
 to other cities to live with their families can be ascribed to the distraction. The main reason for believing
this
Linking Words
 is that teenagers with
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of experience can easily passionate
to
Change preposition
about
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the
Change the article
a
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 large amount of entertainment, namely, video games
as well as
Linking Words
 toxic drugs. Equally importantly, youngsters with immature thinking can be scammed by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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professional scammers.
As a consequence
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,
adolescences
Replace the word
adolescents
show examples
 might
be imposed
Wrong verb form
impose
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 a financial burden on
students
Use synonyms
 and
posed
Wrong verb form
pose
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 challenges
on
Change preposition
in
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 balancing education and amusement. A
further
Linking Words
 point which needs to be considered is academic decline. Away from the safety net of
families
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family
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 support, schoolchildren have to get accustomed to navigating life’s challenges
such
Linking Words
 as economic difficulties.
This
Linking Words
 can result in the fact that the
students
Use synonyms
 will not focus on their learning problems because they have to tackle the challenges and completely think about how to take care of their lives. There are,
however
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, some arguments
support
Correct pronoun usage
that support
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 that living away from home
of
Change preposition
apply
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university
students
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 can be attributed to the opportunity for independence and self-reliance. The most typical of these is teenagers can gain the opportunities in finding jobs and paying for their
necessary
Replace the word
necessities
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.
Moreover
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, youngsters can prove
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 that they can take care of themselves without them because most
parents
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 worry that their children cannot live independently.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
,
adolescences
Replace the word
adolescents
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 who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 moving to
another cities
Replace the adjective
another city
other cities
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 will not depend on their
parents
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 and they can
also
Linking Words
 earn money
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
parents
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 when they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
succeed. In conclusion, I tend to believe that moving away from home for
university
Correct article usage
a university
show examples
 education is a bad trend.
Parents
Use synonyms
 should fully equip them with the necessary knowledge and practice
how
Change preposition
of how
show examples
 to take care of them before letting them live on their own.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task but lacks depth. While it presents some arguments against living away from home, it does not fully explore the counterarguments. Ensure to delve deeper into both sides of the issue to provide a balanced view.
task achievement
Work on developing clear and comprehensive ideas. Some points are underdeveloped or not entirely clear. Use specific examples to support your arguments where possible, and explain them in more detail.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. The arguments can be better organized and transitions between ideas made smoother. Use more cohesive devices to link your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are fairly strong. They clearly outline and summarize your stance. However, make sure each body paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that the conclusion succinctly reinforces your main arguments.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the support of your main points, include more detailed examples and explanations. This will make your arguments more convincing and demonstrate a higher level of critical thinking.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion and clearly presents your viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a conclusion that summarizes your main points, which is crucial for coherence.
Task Achievement
You have included some arguments and counterarguments, which shows an attempt at a balanced discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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