IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #illness #disease #governments #focus #pollution
In modern days, some humans discuss that to mitigate illness and disease, which means that the environment becomes exposed to pollution.The
governments
 think that they have to protect in order to decrease environmental pollution and housing issues. I totally disagree with
this
 statement.
Because some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
people
 argue that
governments
 should find solutions
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these problems to keep the world healthy.
Accordingly
, the increasing world
population
 is putting pressure on natural resources that's why some
people
 are thinking about the
population
is
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 the cause.
Therefore
, as a
government
Add a comma
government,
show examples
 it has the ability to search for other solutions
such
 as
food's
Change noun form
food
show examples
 resources to protect the
population
.
In other words
,
this
 is life's normal as humans multiply every day even though,we can not
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 any decision,
governments
 depend on declining environmental issues
such
 as pollution or contamination ,
it
Correct word choice
and it
show examples
 is not possible to reduce
this
 problem with
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 ideas. In
this
 case, we must utilise different ways that are food and hospitals to improve nations. To put it more simply, we must
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 life
in particular
 to keep their lives safe. In the same way,
governments
 enable to
used
Change the form of the verb
use
show examples
 of advanced technology in order to mitigate
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
contaminate.
For instance
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Saudi Arabia has the same issues but it handles a lot of advanced technology to keep
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
show examples
people
 comfortable.
To sum up
,
as a result
 of
this
 essay, I strongly disagree with some
people
say
Correct pronoun usage
who say
show examples
 that
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
environmental form
threat
Fix the agreement mistake
threats
show examples
 form
side
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
population
also
, humans are not harmful because they
interconnected
Add a missing verb
are interconnected
show examples
together
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by nahlaalrashidi on

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task achievement
It is crucial to clearly state your stance in the introduction and ensure your conclusion adequately reflects your argument. The introduction of your essay could be more concise and clearly outline your main points. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are unclear due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Consider revising the essay for clarity and coherence. Using clear transitions between paragraphs will help make your argument more cohesive.
task achievement
Your main points need more development and specific, relevant examples to support your arguments. Aim to provide more detailed explanations and real-world examples that are clearly linked to your topic.
task achievement
You have a commendable attempt at addressing a complex issue with multiple facets. The essay captures different aspects of the discussion reasonably well.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates an understanding of the relevance of government intervention in environmental and housing issues.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
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