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Band 3

At present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of old people.

#time #population #countries #adults #people
In the contemporary
world
Add a comma
world,
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 some places's population includes a large number of
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
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 in comparison with the number of old people. A vast majority
argues
Correct subject-verb agreement
argue
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 that it is much better to have more elders,
while
 others contradict
to
Change preposition
apply
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this
 idea. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 having more
teenages
Correct your spelling
teenagers
 is
greater
Correct word choice
better
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 than having old ones
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because there will be
much
Correct article usage
a much
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 more amount of workforce , in the meantime
Correct article usage
a
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lack of ancestors can
also
 cause loose of the connection with traditions. On the one hand, a lot of kids will forget about
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 traditions that grands are keeping for
awhile
Correct your spelling
a while
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. Because, now no one is
not
Rephrase
apply
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interested in ancient stuff, for the reason they are out of the trend.
For example
, my mom forgot all
traditions
Correct article usage
the traditions
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 in
Correct article usage
the kazakh
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kazakh
Change the capitalization
Kazakh
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 nation, as she
had
Verb problem
did
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 not
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 grandparents .
Hence
, she is stunned and amazed
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
culture
Correct article usage
the culture
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.
On the other hand
, if there
will be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 more
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
, there will appear a huge demand for working places, as these individuals can have a job
due to
 their ages.
For instance
, all of the people want to
wor
Correct your spelling
work
show examples
 and earn
the
Correct article usage
apply
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money, but none
all
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of them can achieve
this
according to
 the law about the age and health of the person. In conclusion, it is effective to have more
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 as there will be more workers
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
while
 having more old people can lead to
dissapearing
Correct your spelling
disappearing
 of the
tradition
Replace the word
traditional
show examples
 bond.
Submitted by aizered097 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow of your essay by clearly linking ideas between paragraphs and within paragraphs. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly through your argument.
task achievement
While you have addressed the task, provide more comprehensive and clear ideas with greater detail and relevant examples to support your points.
task achievement
The conclusion should not introduce new ideas. Focus on summarizing the points made in the essay in a clear manner.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets up the discussion and your stance on the issue is evident.
coherence cohesion
Having a conclusion that attempts to summarize the points discussed is helpful and shows an understanding of essay structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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