IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Topic- In recent years, young people in many countries choose to live by themselves. What are the reasons and is it positive or negative for the development of the society.

Nowadays many
teeneger
Correct your spelling
teenager
teenagers
 in many nations
decide
Wrong verb form
have decided
show examples
 to live
independent
Change the word
independently
show examples
 and the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
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 is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 they want to be free from their parent's restrictions and rules. Some argue that
this
Linking Words
 is a positive development because the child will gain the experience
how
Change preposition
of how
show examples
 to live independently, some would argue that it has
Correct article usage
a nagative
show examples
nagative
Correct your spelling
negative
impact
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the adolescent because they still need supervision from the adult to consider the consequence of their action.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
 one hand, living without their family
make
Verb problem
allows
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young people can live independently and they can choose what kind of life they want to live. They learn how to make a decision and get the consequence of every action and they gain the lesson from their own live experience.
For instance
Linking Words
, many people from
europe
Correct your spelling
European
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 travel to Indonesia by
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
 after they turn 18 years old,
while
Linking Words
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Indonesian young people still need to be accompanied by
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
 when they go to other countries or even go to
other island
Change the wording
another island
other islands
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 in Indonesia.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 independently at
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age will make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
child get
Wrong verb form
children
show examples
loss
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 control of their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 because they don't know the
impact
Use synonyms
 of the
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
show examples
 they take and they still need
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
supervision from their parents.
For example
Linking Words
, many
teeneger
Correct your spelling
teenagers
teenager
 in Jakarta who live without their parent did not finish their education and most of them are become a criminal. In conclusion,
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 living independently
give
Verb problem
has
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 positive
impact
Use synonyms
 on the
teeneger
Correct your spelling
teacher
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the negative
impact
Use synonyms
 outweighs the positive development.

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task achievement
Your essay presents relevant points, but it could benefit from a clearer structure in the introduction and conclusion sections. Try to begin with a more engaging introduction that sets the stage for your discussion. In your conclusion, recap the main points and clearly state your stance.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring that your paragraphs are logically linked. Each idea should flow naturally into the next to improve the overall coherence. This can be done by using more transitional phrases and connectors.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are supported with more specific and relevant examples. This will not only add weight to your arguments but also make your essay more engaging and informative.
task achievement
To strengthen your conclusion, clearly state whether the phenomenon of young people living independently is overall positive or negative for society. This will add clarity to your argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammar, vocabulary, and spelling to improve clarity and readability. This involves avoiding mistakes such as 'their live' (should be 'their lives'), 'teeneger' (should be 'teenager'), and 'loss' (should be 'lose').
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows you understand the complexity of the issue. This balanced approach is excellent for academic writing.
task achievement
Your essay contains relevant examples, like the comparison between European and Indonesian young people traveling alone. This helps in illustrating your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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