IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

It is argued that mobile phones and other electronic devices have no place in the classrooms. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view.

#phones #devices #place #classrooms
A high rate of using electronic
devices
 has been highlighted over the decades. From
this
 aspect, questions about whether mobile phones and other electronic
devices
 have to
ban
Wrong verb form
be banned
show examples
 in the classrooms. In my opinion, electronic
devices
 have
remove
Change the verb form
removed
show examples
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the classrooms. Irrefutably, a reduction in concentration occurs.
This
 is because, with prevalent smartphones, a majority of student attempt to use their mobile phone during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
class and are given messages from social
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 and other applications.
This
 obviously leads them to low focus on class and
this
 in turn results in low academic performances. Irrefutably,
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 decrease in children's concentration occurs.
This
 is because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 a majority of students are
addiction
Replace the word
addicted
show examples
 to their
devices
 to enjoy
doing
Verb problem
playing
show examples
 mobile games and watching videos.
This
 obviously leads them to
do
Verb problem
play
show examples
 games and wat What is more,
although
 teachers recommend turning off students' electronic
devices
, these
devices
 make noisy sounds during lectures. To exemplify, bell and message sounds are ringing around in the classroom loudly, and .
This
,
therefore
, discourages students to focus on their classes and studies.
Submitted by subin12260 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction and conclusion
You should provide a clear introduction that presents the topic and your main argument. The conclusion is missing, and it should summarize your main points and restate your opinion. Additionally, make sure to avoid repetition in your points.
task development
The essay needs to present more detailed points and specific examples to support your argument. Ensure each paragraph introduces a new idea or aspect and explore it in depth.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a variety of sentence structures and link your ideas more smoothly. This will help with the overall coherence and make the essay easier to follow.
ideas identification
You have identified key issues such as loss of concentration and potential distractions caused by electronic devices.
ideas association
You have effectively associated electronic device usage with lower academic performance and classroom disruption.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!