IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples

In
this
Linking Words
 day and age, young generations tend to start up because they enjoy facing the difficulties of being
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of working from night to five with a salary paid. From my point of view, the benefits of starting up outweigh the drawbacks. First and foremost, individuals, who decide to be
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
, have several chances to do anything they want. Nowadays, people are keen on
this
Linking Words
 advantage
instead
Linking Words
 of working under the control of their boss. It helps them have opportunities to create wonderful things comfortably.
For instance
Linking Words
, if you
work
Use synonyms
 in an organization, you have to meet the requirements of a superior officer. Your creativity may not bring appreciation to you, even though you can be fined by
this
Linking Words
 undisciplined person.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, being self-employed can help
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
 earn a lot of money. In fact, almost all billionaires in the world are
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some drawbacks to being self-employed.
Firstly
Linking Words
, Individuals will spend lots of time working
instead
Linking Words
 of using 8
hours
Use synonyms
 when they
work
Use synonyms
 in a company. Sometimes they accept having less time for their family to complete their job.
For example
Linking Words
, everyone has 24
hours
Use synonyms
 per day like each other.
While
Linking Words
 workers
work
Use synonyms
 eight
hours
Use synonyms
 and have 16
hours
Use synonyms
 to enjoy their lives, businesses do not even have time to sleep.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
 suffer from serious pressure to earn more money than others. In the early stage, they usually
work
Use synonyms
 with a few people so they can
work
Use synonyms
 several situations to ensure their company can be active at a cheap cost. If they have a big holding, they have to ensure the lives of thousands of staff. In conclusion, starting up brings lots of advantages for citizens to have new challenges and complete themselves. More than that, different from others,
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
 can make dreams come true.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
To enhance task response, ensure that each point is thoroughly developed with more examples and evidence. This will strengthen your argument and provide a more complete response to the question.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, try to use more transition words to smoothly link ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This will create a more logical flow in your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
clarity
You have presented clear and comprehensive ideas, making it easy for the reader to understand your points.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: