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Band 6.5

Some species of animals are almost extinct; and many others seem to be fast approaching a similar risk. What are the reasons for this? What should be done to solve this problem?

#species #animals #risk
Millions of animal species have become extinct since humans became the leading breed on Earth.
Likewise
, many lives are approaching the end of their time. We as humans are one of the main causes for
this
 and it is our responsibility to come up with solutions to save the remaining creatures of our time.
Firstly
, since the Industrial Revolution, we have deforested many natural landscapes to build amenities
such
 as flats, hotels, leisure centres and restaurants.
This
 in turn has significantly impacted the natural habitats of lots of breeeds making it impossible for them to survive.
Consequently
,
this
 leads to their extinction.
Additionally
, global warming caused by the burning of fossil fuels has made the environment warmer and drier, leading to animals not being able to withstand the heat and
hence
 gradually disappearing. We have a moral responsibility to look after the other genus.
For instance
, doing comprehensive research on wildlife prior to deforestation followed by taking steps to protect them is one of the solutions to save the creatures from extinction. An example would be to safely move the population of animals to a new location.
In addition
, reducing global warming by avoiding unnecessary burning of fossil fuels and utilising renewable energy sources whenever possible are great methods of reducing carbon footprints. These actions would in turn maintain the Earth's temperature and sea level, which helps to protect as many breeds as possible. In conclusion, we as humans were responsible for the complete disappearance of many forms of life as we destroyed vast amounts of the landscape for our benefit and warmed up the earth making it non-hostile for delicate beings. It is
therefore
 our moral responsibility to protect the animals still left and prevent the
further
 disappearance of wildlife, some of the ways we can do
this
 are by reducing deforestation and taking small steps to minimise global warming.
Submitted by Mangalakumaran.sangeetha on

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task achievement
While the main points are relevant, there are areas where more specific examples could strengthen your argument. Generic statements can be made more impactful by providing concrete instances or data.
coherence cohesion
Some sections, particularly the body paragraphs, could benefit from improved logical flow. Transition words and phrases could be used more effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
You have done well to fully address the prompt, covering both the reasons for animal extinction and the solutions to address this issue.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains clear introduction and conclusion sections, which frame your arguments effectively.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • species extinction
  • endangered animals
  • biodiversity
  • habitat loss
  • deforestation
  • urbanization
  • poaching
  • illegal wildlife trade
  • climate change
  • pollution
  • conservation efforts
  • legislation
  • enforcement
  • human overpopulation
  • sustainable development
  • responsible consumption
  • education
  • awareness programs
  • protected areas
  • wildlife reserves
  • international cooperation
  • collaboration
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