IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The bar shows the percentage of people going to cinemas in one European country on different days. Write at least 150 words.

#bar #percentage #people #cinemas #european #country #different
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This
Linking Words
 diagram compares the amount of people going to the cinema each day of the week throughout the years.
Overall
Linking Words
, throughout the years there has not been
significant
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a significant
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 change in the most popular days to go to the movie theater which were Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. In 2003 the least popular day to watch a movie was
on
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apply
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Monday with only
one tenth
Add a hyphen
one-tenth
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 of all people deciding to do so
whereas
Linking Words
 in 2005 it was Thursday and in 2007 Wednesday both with 9 percent of consumers. Generally, the least popular days to go to the cinema were Mondays and Thursdays. The most customers visited a movie theater on Saturdays with 40 to 45, in second place came Sundays with around 30 to 34 percent . From 2003 up until 2007 there was little change in cinema popularity on Fridays, when 30 percent of
population
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the population
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 saw movies every in the diagram presented year.
Submitted by oimigle on

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task achievement
While the essay covers most aspects of the task, it could benefit from more detailed examples and specific data points for better task achievement. For instance, mentioning exact figures for each year would strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a logical flow, the transition between some ideas can be smoother. Using more transitional phrases can enhance coherence and improve the cohesion of your text.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain consistent tenses throughout the essay for better clarity and to avoid confusion. You switch between past and present tenses in some parts.
introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear introduction that sets the context for the reader, which is an excellent way to start the essay.
supported main points
The main points are supported with relevant data, showing a good grasp of the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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