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Band 4

Some people believe that rich countries should provide poorer countries with other types of help rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #countries #aid
It has been an enigmatic quandary as to what other types of help
need
Wrong verb form
are needed
show examples
 in undeveloped
countries
.
However
, it
explicit
Add a missing verb
is explicit
show examples
 that developed
countries
 should have an all-out effort to undeveloped
countries
 more than financial parts. The scope and breadth of international cooperation and sharing
knowledge
 are two paragons that exemplify
such
 a theme. The international cooperation lucidly depicts the matter pertaining to
this
 theme. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society where
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology development increases people’s quality of
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
, people who live in developed
countries
 live in economic abundance more than ever before.
Therefore
, those people have to share the material affluence.
For example
, low-income
countries
 that haven’t yet electrical appliances
such
 as refrigerators, vacuum cleaners, and so on can help with developed
countries
' technologies.
Moreover
, sharing
knowledge
 indubitably illustrates
this
 issue at hand. A large number of patients in undeveloped
countries
 are suffering from deaths caused by a lack of medications rather than fetal disease. To prevent the disease more severe, developed
countries
 share the example of medical academic success
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
 failure
one too
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Thus
, sharing
knowledge
 depicts how to make more people not suffering from poverty. At first glance, it is evident that financial aid is the best beneficial means for low-income
countries
,
however
, the example of international cooperation and sharing
knowledge
 clearly shows the
countries
 can help other poorer
countries
 that suffer from diseases and haven’t pursued the technology development more than using money
Submitted by kopopig on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly from one point to the next. Use clear topic sentences and connect your ideas logically.
coherence cohesion
In the introduction, state your main argument more clearly to set the stage for the rest of the essay. This will guide the reader through your points more effectively.
task achievement
Strengthen your main points with more specific and relevant examples to enhance task achievement.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas more comprehensively to make your arguments clearer. Explain the benefits and impacts of international cooperation and knowledge sharing more thoroughly.
task achievement
The essay addresses both cooperation and knowledge sharing, illustrating an understanding of different ways developed countries can help.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion reinforces the idea that other forms of aid, besides financial, can be beneficial. This helps to tie the essay together.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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