Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.
It is undeniable that sport has become an essential part of life. Playing sports makes you more disciplined, boosts energy, helps to be in shape and
build
new relationships. Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
Furthermore
, it minimises risks
of various illnesses which are spreading rapidly because of our current lifestyle. Correct article usage
the risks
Also
doing sports decreases stress and enhances production
of dopamine - Add an article
the production
main
energiser of our mental health.
A commonly held belief is that everyone doing sports Correct article usage
the main
considered
to be Add a missing verb
is considered
good
role Correct article usage
a good
models
for others. I partially agree with Fix the agreement mistake
model
this
statement, because there are always two sides of
a coin. Change preposition
to
Firstly
, their salary and fame are such
an important things
to mention, because one of the biggest priorities for us, is to make Fix the agreement mistake
thing
good
living. Add an article
a good
Obviously
everyone enjoys watching Add a comma
Obviously,
Correct article usage
the olympic
olympic
games or other tournaments of Change the capitalization
Olympic
specific
Add an article
a specific
the specific
sport
. As Fix the agreement mistake
sports
the
result, Correct article usage
a
this
enhances attention
and desire of many young people around the globe to be as great as their idols. Correct article usage
the attention
Secondly
, good health conditions, which is the key to longevity.
On the other hand
, some people claim that professional athletes are not that
good as they Correct word choice
as
supposed
to be. It could be explained by the fact that many of them were caught Add a missing verb
are supposed
in
cheating. Change preposition
apply
For example
, taking illegal drugs or using prohibited equipments
to win in competition. Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
In
addition
some professional athletes could become narcissistic, Add a comma
addition,
due to
their popularity and put themselves above others. Also
, some of them put too much effort just to break a certain record not caring about their health, which can lead to serious injuries.
In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account i
would argue that professional athletes are people just like us. We all have flaws in our characters. Nobody is perfect. It’s important to understand how difficult it is to be in shape and compete with others in front of the millions. We should remember that, just because we look up to someone it doesn't mean that everything they say and do is right or appropriate. Only we know what will be good for us.Change the capitalization
I
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task response
To improve the task response, make sure to elaborate more on both sides of the argument with balanced viewpoints. Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, such as naming specific athletes and their actions.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, try to use a wider variety of connecting phrases and transitional words to enhance the flow between paragraphs and ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea for clearer organization.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting and summarizing the main points effectively.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is quite solid, with each paragraph addressing different aspects of the topic, making the argument easy to follow.
supported main points
The main points are generally supported, and the essay covers both perspectives of whether professional athletes are good role models, which addresses the task requirement.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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