IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

It is undeniable that sport has become an essential part of life. Playing sports makes you more disciplined, boosts energy, helps to be in shape and
build
Correct subject-verb agreement
builds
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 new relationships.
Furthermore
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, it minimises
risks
Correct article usage
the risks
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 of various illnesses which are spreading rapidly because of our current lifestyle.
Also
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 doing sports decreases stress and enhances
production
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the production
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 of dopamine -
main
Correct article usage
the main
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 energiser of our mental health. A commonly held belief is that everyone doing sports
considered
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is considered
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 to be
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 role
models
Fix the agreement mistake
model
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 for others. I partially agree with
this
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 statement, because there are always two sides
of
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to
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 a coin.
Firstly
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, their salary and fame are
such
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 an important
things
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thing
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 to mention, because one of the biggest priorities for us, is to make
good
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a good
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 living.
Obviously
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Obviously,
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 everyone enjoys watching
Correct article usage
the olympic
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olympic
Change the capitalization
Olympic
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 games or other tournaments of
specific
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a specific
the specific
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sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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. As
the
Correct article usage
a
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 result,
this
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 enhances
attention
Correct article usage
the attention
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 and desire of many young people around the globe to be as great as their idols.
Secondly
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, good health conditions, which is the key to longevity.
On the other hand
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, some people claim that professional athletes are not
that
Correct word choice
as
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 good as they
supposed
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are supposed
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 to be. It could be explained by the fact that many of them were caught
in
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apply
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cheating.
For example
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, taking illegal drugs or using prohibited
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 to win in competition.
In
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addition
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addition,
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 some professional athletes could become narcissistic,
due to
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 their popularity and put themselves above others.
Also
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, some of them put too much effort just to break a certain record not caring about their health, which can lead to serious injuries. In conclusion, taking everything mentioned into account
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 would argue that professional athletes are people just like us. We all have flaws in our characters. Nobody is perfect. It’s important to understand how difficult it is to be in shape and compete with others in front of the millions. We should remember that, just because we look up to someone it doesn't mean that everything they say and do is right or appropriate. Only we know what will be good for us.

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task response
To improve the task response, make sure to elaborate more on both sides of the argument with balanced viewpoints. Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, such as naming specific athletes and their actions.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, try to use a wider variety of connecting phrases and transitional words to enhance the flow between paragraphs and ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea for clearer organization.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting and summarizing the main points effectively.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is quite solid, with each paragraph addressing different aspects of the topic, making the argument easy to follow.
supported main points
The main points are generally supported, and the essay covers both perspectives of whether professional athletes are good role models, which addresses the task requirement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • exemplify
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • humble beginnings
  • motivate
  • inspire
  • teamwork
  • sportsmanship
  • negative behavior
  • drug abuse
  • unlawful activities
  • sensationalizes
  • unrealistic
  • unattainable standards
  • material success
  • skewed value system
  • high visibility
  • magnifies
  • faults
  • misleading
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