IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is whether the positive role models for the youth are made by professional
sportsmen
Use synonyms
 or not. Even though having an athlete as a good figure can cause
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation's
prioritization
Use the right word
prioritisation
show examples
 of
sports
Use synonyms
 as a career over education, I believe that it can mainly
distribute
Verb problem
promote
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle among young
people
Use synonyms
. As regards the
first,
Linking Words
the supporters of
sportsmen
Use synonyms
 as good role models claim that their influence on the youth can contribute to the growth of healthy lifestyle keepers.
In other words
Linking Words
, those
people
Use synonyms
 commonly have strong bodies, which might inspire young ones to be as powerful as athletes.
For instance
Linking Words
, the majority of young
people
Use synonyms
 in Europe started doing
sports
Use synonyms
 when soccer players
such
Linking Words
 as Ronaldo and Messi became popular.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I think that
sportsmen
Use synonyms
 can develop a positive example for the youth.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the opponents of that statement believe that athletes can make
people
Use synonyms
 under thirty years old more interested in
sports
Use synonyms
 as their future profession
instead
Linking Words
 of education.
This
Linking Words
 means that the number of educated individuals can decrease
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that many of them might choose professional
sports
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, when many students struggle with school subjects, they start finding easier options to build their future by following their good role models’ path of success.
That is
Linking Words
 why having
sportsmen
Use synonyms
 as
example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 can lead to the youth’s illiteracy. Having taken the above-mentioned arguments into account,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 athletes can act as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 positive figure for young individuals by promoting
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, they
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
show examples
 cause a lack of education.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly explain your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas more clearly between paragraphs.
task achievement
You provided examples of famous athletes to support your ideas, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Your arguments about the impacts of role models are interesting and relevant.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • exemplify
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • humble beginnings
  • motivate
  • inspire
  • teamwork
  • sportsmanship
  • negative behavior
  • drug abuse
  • unlawful activities
  • sensationalizes
  • unrealistic
  • unattainable standards
  • material success
  • skewed value system
  • high visibility
  • magnifies
  • faults
  • misleading
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