IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some believe that modern technology is increasing the gap between rich and poor people, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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It is sometimes argued that advances in technology have led to an increase in the space between the affluent and the less privileged,
while
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 others believe it is the opposite.
Although
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, new machines have closed the distance between wealthy
people
Use synonyms
 and the poor because of social media,
however
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, I believe the development in the gap between these
people
Use synonyms
 is because modern automation is expensive to purchase. On the one hand, the social network has brought the rich and the poor together on the platform.
This
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 has made it easier for these groups to communicate,interact and share ideas in the development of the society. Through social media, the rich are able to assist the poor in terms of financial needs and
also
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 offer them job opportunities.
For example
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, through social media,one of the richest
people
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 was able to pay for the surgery of a child with a hole-in-heart. If not for modern technology,
this
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 juvenile would have died because the parents could not afford the medical bills.
On the other hand
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, I support that advancement in technology is creating more gaps between
the
Correct article usage
apply
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rich
people
Use synonyms
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor
people
Use synonyms
 because new technological gadgets are very costly.
As a result
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, only the rich is able to purchase it.
This
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 has created a huge space between these groups because the less privileged can not afford it.
For instance
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, during the Covid 19 pandemic, all school classes were taught online, so only the rich students were able to take part in the virtual classes because of the prices involved in purchasing a laptop and buying an Internet bundle as well.
Hence
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,
this
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 led to poor academic performance of the poor who could not afford it. Even though
,
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 electronic gadgets are expensive for the poor to buy,they have the desire to use modern technologies and they try every means to afford these machines ,even to the point of committing crimes like stealing. In conclusion, some individuals think that new technologies have closed the gap between the
affluents
Fix the agreement mistake
affluent
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 and the less privileged,
however
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, am of the opinion that these new appliances are creating a huge space between them because the prices of these machines are higher.

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Task Response
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task. The argument is clear and the main points are relevant and well-explained. However, there are some minor language inaccuracies and occasional awkward phrasing. You could further improve your score by ensuring all sentences are clear and polished.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. There is a good flow of ideas and logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. However, try to use a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your writing.
Structure
The essay has a clear structure, with an introduction that presents the argument, body paragraphs that discuss both views, and a conclusion that summarizes your opinion.
Examples
Relevant and specific examples, such as the use of social media to assist the poor and the impact of the Covid-19 pandemic on education, enhance the explanation of your points.
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