IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Scientist agree that many eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some think that this problem can be solved by educating people while others believe education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#scientist #junk #food #health #think #people #education #work
Researchers have different views about the prevention of consuming processed cuisine.
While
 some
people
 believe that it can be controlled through education, in my opinion, these setbacks can be curbed by the government increasing the prices of fast
meals
. On the one hand, educating
people
 on the need not to consume canned
meals
 can be beneficial.
This
 is because some
people
 are not aware of the detrimental effect those
meals
 could have on their health. Professors can use animations
such
 as how
junk
food
 has damaged individual hearts, or livers just to create awareness for these folk.
For instance
, the vast majority of Ghanaians used to consume
junk
food
 because they did not know the harmful effects of it,
however
 after the Ministry of Education impacted knowledge on these folk, they realised the effect of it
as a result
, the consumption of
this
 meal has dwindled.
This
 has helped reduce the risk of some
people
 having conditions
such
 as hypertension and even becoming obese.
On the other hand
, authorities can mitigate
this
 problem by increasing the price of those
meals
. A lot of
people
 always have a different opinion when purchasing goods that are expensive. They mostly desist from buying
such
 goods. The same thing applies to
junk
meals
.
People
 will not have
Correct article usage
an
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 interest
Change preposition
in
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 buying them because of the price.
For example
, Kenja was among the highest countries where its members love consuming canned
food
as a result
, the vast majority of them had diseases
such
 as hypertension and myocardial infarction. After the government raised the amount, the intake of fast
meals
 was reduced and
this
 has
subsequently
 prevented most companies from importing fast
meals
 from other countries. If the state had not elevated the amount,
crowd
Add an article
the crowd
show examples
 would be still buying them. It is in view of
this
 that I opine that, aside from education, consuming processed
meals
 can be curbed effectively by authorities increasing the price. In conclusion,
although
 impacting knowledge on humankind can help reduce the intake of
junk
food
,
however
, I believe that authorities can mitigate
this
 effectively by raising the amount of that
food
.
Submitted by boadimaxwell48 on

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task achievement
To boost task achievement further, refine your thesis statement. Explicitly mention that education alone is insufficient and government intervention, such as raising prices, is more effective.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure the consistent use of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between ideas. For example, use transition phrases like 'furthermore,' 'in addition,' and 'consequently.'
task achievement
You present a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument and provide a well-rounded discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is clearly structured, with a logical introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion that effectively summarize your stance.
coherence cohesion
You effectively use relevant examples to support your main points, making your arguments more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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