IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is common that in many companies people from different ages work together in a same team. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantges?

#companies #people #ages #work #team #disadvantges
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Recently, in many multi-national
companies
 individuals from different ages work together in the same
team
.
Although
this
 trend has numerous advantages, it
also
 has a downside, I believe that its merits outweigh the demerits. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on my point of view with examples.
Firstly
, sharing thoughts from different perspectives is beneficial for firms as it can enhance
teams
Fix the agreement mistake
team
show examples
 performance,
for example
, senior employees usually have a wide range of experience which will support fresh workers in the same
team
 to
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
 the right decision,
moreover
, junior employees have the ambition and the creativity to achieve career success,
therefore
this
 mixed dedication work will lead their
team
 to remarkable results.
For instance
, many sales firms in Saudi Arabia adopt
this
 policy as its successful results have been proved in several cases.
On the other hand
,
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 gap can be a dilemma as employees come from different eras,
additionally
, some
team
 members have conflicting points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
. If they do not have the same
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
show examples
 and the same passion for success, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 not achieve their
desirable
Replace the word
desired
show examples
 target.
For instance
, in Egypt, some sales
companies
 set
soild
Correct your spelling
solid
sold
 rules
it
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 terms of sales
teams
Change the noun form
team
show examples
 members which are; members must have the same skills and the same experience,
furthermore
, they must be in the same age.
Therefore
, these giant
companies
 have experienced the downside of making people
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different ages work together in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same
team
. In conclusion,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
this
 trend has some disadvantages, its
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
 side has
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 bigger influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 many
companies
 for the numerous reasons I mentioned above.
Submitted by abdoo.magicoo on

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introduction conclusion present
In your introduction, you effectively set the stage for discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and clearly state your opinion. However, the thesis statement could be made a bit stronger by rephrasing it for clarity. For example, instead of 'I believe that its merits outweigh the demerits', you could say 'I believe that the benefits of having individuals from different ages work together in a team outweigh the drawbacks.'
logical structure
Your essay has a logical structure from introduction to conclusion, with each paragraph focusing on a particular idea. To improve, make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that signals the main idea of the paragraph. This can make your structure even clearer.
supported main points
Your arguments are supported with relevant examples, which is great. However, you could enhance your argument by clearly linking each example back to the point you made. This ensures that your examples don't just stand alone but are integrated into your argument.
complete response
Your essay provides a clear and complete response to the prompt, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of mixed-age teams in the workplace.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas in your essay are presented clearly and comprehensively, making it easy to follow your argument.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant and specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument and shows practical application of your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Diverse perspectives
  • Innovation
  • Mentorship
  • Professional growth
  • Institutional knowledge
  • Work environment
  • Energy
  • Willingness to take risks
  • Work dynamics
  • Age-related stereotypes
  • Resistance to change
  • Technological advancements
  • Productivity
  • Efficiency
  • Work-life balance
  • Career progression
  • Job security
  • Stable routine
What to do next:
Look at other essays: