IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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There are many
children
Use synonyms
get
Correct pronoun usage
who get
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 addicted to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
, increasing on hours
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every day. I personally think that
children
Use synonyms
 should not
spending
Change the verb form
spend
be spending
show examples
 too much
time
Use synonyms
 on
smartphones
Use synonyms
 because it can
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 many drawbacks
tot hem
Correct your spelling
to them
show examples
 in many aspects,
described
Correct word choice
as described
show examples
 in the following paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, one of the
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
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 why many
children
Use synonyms
 cling on with their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 is parents left them with the
screen
Use synonyms
 or
smartphones
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.
Following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the
children
Use synonyms
 can only interact with
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the internet and social media whether it is for kids
such
Linking Words
 as
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
,
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the worst reason is that parents
are not monitor
Change the verb form
do not monitor
show examples
 and limit the
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 of their kids,
lead
Wrong verb form
leading
show examples
 the
children
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 to frustrated and uneasy
feeling
Fix the agreement mistake
feelings
show examples
 when they cannot check their social media, called
Use synonyms
smartphones
Change the noun form
smartphone
show examples
addiction
Use synonyms
. I personally think that the
addiction
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 in
children
Use synonyms
 can
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 some drawbacks to their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, looking at the
screen
Use synonyms
 for a long
time
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 affects
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the eyesight.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the way
children
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 look down and bend their
back
Fix the agreement mistake
backs
show examples
while
Linking Words
 using phones can lead to bad
postures
Fix the agreement mistake
posture
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, insomnia
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to occur in some
children
Use synonyms
 who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 bad
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 spending
time
Use synonyms
 on phones.
Finally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
smartphones
Change the noun form
smartphone
show examples
addiction
Use synonyms
 affects
children
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’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
. For illustrate,
children
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 who get addicted will have less focus on their real
lift
Correct your spelling
life
show examples
, lower interacting and isolating. Sticking with
lift
Correct your spelling
life
show examples
 in virtual can
causes
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
depressed
Replace the word
depression
show examples
 and lower self-esteem by comparing themselves to other friends online.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the
addiction
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of
Change preposition
to
show examples
smartphones
Use synonyms
 in
children
Use synonyms
caused
Add a missing verb
is caused
show examples
 by uncontrolled
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 and it not only
cause
Verb problem
has
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 influence
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
 but mind.

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task achievement
Ensure that you fully respond to all portions of the prompt. You have discussed why children spend time on smartphones and the negative effects, but you could briefly address whether there are any potential positive aspects (even if you ultimately disagree).
task achievement
Your main points are clear, but they can be more thoroughly developed. Try to provide specific examples to back up your points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more transition words to guide the reader through your points. For example, words like 'however,' 'moreover,' and 'therefore' can help.
coherence cohesion
Some ideas seem disconnected. Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single clear idea.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The issues discussed are relevant to the topic, and the essay sticks to the subject matter.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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