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Band 7.5

Some people think that children should start school at a very early age, but others believe that children should not go to school until they are older.

#people #children #school #age
A controversial discussion point is whether children go to school when they are young.
This
 writer contends that early education will benefit future life, despite some people believing that they are not ready to be educated. It must be recognized that early tuition will bring better development for juveniles. Indeed, a child who starts school at a young age can be aware of their life and study earlier than the ones who are without it. By having grown up in
this
 educational environment, they are likely to more responsible for their action, mature and get higher succeed in future.
Moreover
, early education will help children cultivate more skills, experiences and knowledge that support them significantly and give a huge number of advantages for their later life. Another point to consider is that children are too young to receive tuition in their formative years. To be more particular, at
this
 time bairns just want to spend all their time on entertainment and relaxation.
Therefore
, if they have to learn something
such
 as academic theory or social knowledge, they will ignore it and misbehaviour to escape from their learning.
However
,
this
 author argues that students should go to school when they are in their young ages.
Although
 I certainly agree that the mental and physical health of some toddlers is not mature enough, the benefits of higher achievement for their successful career in the long term cannot be deniable. Take some cities in America as an example here, where the majority of parents educate their offspring in an early educational environment to give them the best quality for their future. Taking all points into account, the period for education depends on each family.
Therefore
, the parents should choose suitable methods to educate offspring and ensure that they will develop in the best way.
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coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, ensure that your points in the body paragraphs are logically connected and supported by relevant examples throughout the essay.
task achievement
While your essay covers both sides of the argument, it would benefit from more detailed examples and clearer explanation of your points, especially in the second body paragraph.
general
Some sentences can be rephrased for better clarity. For instance, "grown up in this educational environment, they are likely to more responsible for their action" can be improved to "Having grown up in such an educational environment, they are likely to become more responsible for their actions."
coherence cohesion
The essay has a good structure with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The topic is addressed and both sides of the argument are discussed.
general
The language used is fairly advanced and appropriate for the context.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • social skills
  • learning disabilities
  • natural development
  • family bonding
  • competitive edge
  • formal education
  • Scandinavian countries
  • academic performance
  • balanced approach
What to do next:
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